Just as things come together, they beging to fall apart all over again. That's just life, I guess, but I'm furious about it. Do I have to go through everything alone, take on the burdens of all people I happen to come into contact with? I suppose so.
I'll stay here, leave and come back, because I can't leave my brothers for dead at home, because that's what it'll be without me. Everything I do and don't do is eaten up by a guilty conscience. Nothing's ever right. Nothing's ever good enough. But is self-sacrifice the answer or the antithesis of self-righteousness? I still don't know, but either way, I lose. In the end, I'd rather lose to everyone who's winning instead of dragging the lot of them with me.
Another selfless act...
Yet, no matter what, I'm called selfish and with every waking moment, I attempt to prove the label wrong. It figures--all the time is spent on myself anyway. An dI"m still a part of the endless wave, making no impression on the ocean but a bad one beacuse the rest always goes unnoticed.
And why do I care anyway? No one else seems to be concerned. It's in my damned nature and I can't run from it. If I could, I'd no longer be myself, which actually sounds rather appealing. I wouldn't be missed anyhow. Human memory is vague or non-existent when it comes to these things...but in the end I'd still be looking through my eyes, even if it's also through someone else's.
So the pointless thought pattern strikes again. It's always this. And all thoughts are pointless in the end.
Monday, August 08, 2005
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Georgia Mental Health
Ok...really really random. But I went downstairs for no reason in particular and Noah is smiling at me very strangely from his chair and I ask "What?"
"Oh, we just got a call from an inmate of the Georgia Mental Health Penitentiary."
"What?!"
"Yep."
"What?!"
"Just got a call."
"Who was it?"
"No idea."
Yeah.
"I hung up."
"I figured. You shouldn't have!!! I want to know who it was! You could've wasted their phone call!"
"Then they should've called a lawyer not some random stranger's house!" butts in Mom.
"Ugh," I say.
"Haha," says Noah.
"Well, did you hear his name?"
"Yeah...Billy Bob or something..."
"Oh, we just got a call from an inmate of the Georgia Mental Health Penitentiary."
"What?!"
"Yep."
"What?!"
"Just got a call."
"Who was it?"
"No idea."
Yeah.
"I hung up."
"I figured. You shouldn't have!!! I want to know who it was! You could've wasted their phone call!"
"Then they should've called a lawyer not some random stranger's house!" butts in Mom.
"Ugh," I say.
"Haha," says Noah.
"Well, did you hear his name?"
"Yeah...Billy Bob or something..."
Expressionless in the Mirror
Sitting here making faces at myself in the mirror across from my bed. Still exhausted with huge rings under my eyes and a very nice, granny smith colored bruise is beginning to take form on the left side of my jaw bone. Well, it's not too bad. Last night I had a dream about the president nuking his own country--twice. How nice. Well, he might as well. Abolishing the Equal Voting Rights Act just about undose 'America' and I really think it's just about time to move out.
I'm listening to Amber's CDs finally...the ones that she made me for my birthday. They're pretty good, actually. Usually, I'm not too enthusiastic about the music my friends say I'll like because I'm not a fan of modern music whatsoever...Speaking of music...I started learning Lakes of Pontchartrain. I'm playing with the two finger picks on my middle and ring finger and the flat pick on the top--so semi-Paul Brady and it sounds good. The next step will be to write my own lyrics to the amazing tune.
Also, I've finally been catching up transferring my Drama Journals to the computer. I was a month behind and now I'm only a few days, which is good. Last night I went to a Cathy Reed concert and she asked Dad to go up and play The Ladder Holder and I got to go up and sing with them, which was awesome. If I could be a singer, it would be quite nice...
I still have to finish up my college shopping...pants pants pants! I still need jeans and comfy pants. Also, I'm trying to fit in seeing all my friends one last time before they're all gone. Steve's already at Auburn, which sucks. Moved in yesterday. The South starts too early, people. So no seeing Steve:-( Thank technology for the telephone. Mark's on Tuesday. Kelly Long's on Wednesday. Kelly O's out because she's randomly moving to Nebraska?? Well, her family is and she's moving into UGA like the rest of the world. Lindsay...can't get in touch with her as usual, so most likely no seeing her either. And I'm still supposed to call Mrs. Tosi (the best teacher ever). I was supposed to last week, but Noah ended up in the hospital and I didn't do much of calling anyone and then I was in tooth surgery and jello until yesterday. I'm still a little jello today. But...not so bad.
And I still haven't learned Aicha! Rabbi Analia told me that I could do the whole haftarah in regular trope, so WTF? "It's just tradition...which one were you going to do?" OMG. I don't know. That woman doesn't know anything, so I told Analia and she said she didn't know what Linda was talking about. As usual. Oh well. Since I can just do it in normal trope, I shouldn't be worrying anymore, should I? But I called Rabbi Mario anyway and hopefully he'll get back to me sometime today and fix it all up.
That's all for now. Hopefully all of this entry will save. It's been really whacky lately and cutting off everything. :-(
I'm listening to Amber's CDs finally...the ones that she made me for my birthday. They're pretty good, actually. Usually, I'm not too enthusiastic about the music my friends say I'll like because I'm not a fan of modern music whatsoever...Speaking of music...I started learning Lakes of Pontchartrain. I'm playing with the two finger picks on my middle and ring finger and the flat pick on the top--so semi-Paul Brady and it sounds good. The next step will be to write my own lyrics to the amazing tune.
Also, I've finally been catching up transferring my Drama Journals to the computer. I was a month behind and now I'm only a few days, which is good. Last night I went to a Cathy Reed concert and she asked Dad to go up and play The Ladder Holder and I got to go up and sing with them, which was awesome. If I could be a singer, it would be quite nice...
I still have to finish up my college shopping...pants pants pants! I still need jeans and comfy pants. Also, I'm trying to fit in seeing all my friends one last time before they're all gone. Steve's already at Auburn, which sucks. Moved in yesterday. The South starts too early, people. So no seeing Steve:-( Thank technology for the telephone. Mark's on Tuesday. Kelly Long's on Wednesday. Kelly O's out because she's randomly moving to Nebraska?? Well, her family is and she's moving into UGA like the rest of the world. Lindsay...can't get in touch with her as usual, so most likely no seeing her either. And I'm still supposed to call Mrs. Tosi (the best teacher ever). I was supposed to last week, but Noah ended up in the hospital and I didn't do much of calling anyone and then I was in tooth surgery and jello until yesterday. I'm still a little jello today. But...not so bad.
And I still haven't learned Aicha! Rabbi Analia told me that I could do the whole haftarah in regular trope, so WTF? "It's just tradition...which one were you going to do?" OMG. I don't know. That woman doesn't know anything, so I told Analia and she said she didn't know what Linda was talking about. As usual. Oh well. Since I can just do it in normal trope, I shouldn't be worrying anymore, should I? But I called Rabbi Mario anyway and hopefully he'll get back to me sometime today and fix it all up.
That's all for now. Hopefully all of this entry will save. It's been really whacky lately and cutting off everything. :-(
Friday, August 05, 2005
Dead Asleep
Since the surgery, I've been great, except I'm absolutely starving. Then, after I eat, (usually a lot) I sink into a dead sleep. For hours and hours. When I wake up, I'm starving again and the pattern continues. *Yawn* To top it all off, I still haven't learned Aicha trope and I have to read the Haftarah next Shabbat and Mom hid the friggin directory with the rabbi's phone number in it again. Oh well. I guess I'll have to listen to that virtualcantor.com and learn the trope through how he sings the megillah, then transfer it over to the haftarah. That'll be a joy.
Meanwhile, I'm still exhausted. I just want to call them up and say "Yeah. For the past two weeks, I haven't been able to do anything along the lines of studying for the haftarah, learning the trope, because there have been hospitals and surgeries and major stresses everywhere in my life!" But I can't back down because who the hell else is going to do it?
On a happier note, my friend Steve put In Pursuit of Wind as his one and only favourite book on his facebook!! That made me really happy! And Emma told me that he doesn't even like to read, but I already knew that because he told me when I first asked him if he'd like to read it. Still, it makes me happy, because it's not the average ladee-doo-dah book. It's pretty dense.
Meanwhile, I'm still exhausted. I just want to call them up and say "Yeah. For the past two weeks, I haven't been able to do anything along the lines of studying for the haftarah, learning the trope, because there have been hospitals and surgeries and major stresses everywhere in my life!" But I can't back down because who the hell else is going to do it?
On a happier note, my friend Steve put In Pursuit of Wind as his one and only favourite book on his facebook!! That made me really happy! And Emma told me that he doesn't even like to read, but I already knew that because he told me when I first asked him if he'd like to read it. Still, it makes me happy, because it's not the average ladee-doo-dah book. It's pretty dense.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The Aftermath
Well, I got the wisdom teeth out. I didn't really have any side effects other than numbness, which I'm still getting over. It's just a tiny part of my chin and lower lip, but it's getting smaller. I was eating chicken 4 hours after the surgery and haven't been in too much pain. The pain medication may be helping but i'm about 6 hours overdo and I sill don't feel pain...it's not numb, either, just normal. So yay!
Unlike Dad, I had no side effects from the anesthesia. He reacts really badly. Mark does, too, as a matter of fact. He's just like my dad. In everything (except the Catholic thing) and it's really weird. Dad would still be a vegetable for the next 4 days. Oh! And I talked to Emma who was with Steve which was really good because he'd text messaged me about hoping I feel better with the wisdom teeth because he'd heard about it from Emma. I love my friends :-)
Anyway, Noah is all the way back to himself, he just can't go out and play for very long because he gets really tired.
Unlike Dad, I had no side effects from the anesthesia. He reacts really badly. Mark does, too, as a matter of fact. He's just like my dad. In everything (except the Catholic thing) and it's really weird. Dad would still be a vegetable for the next 4 days. Oh! And I talked to Emma who was with Steve which was really good because he'd text messaged me about hoping I feel better with the wisdom teeth because he'd heard about it from Emma. I love my friends :-)
Anyway, Noah is all the way back to himself, he just can't go out and play for very long because he gets really tired.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Just a Bit of Stuff
Well, here's what's been going on. Noah is almost better, but because Mom is convinced that screaming at him is going to make him feel better, he's refusing to eat unless someone else coaxes him into it. Last night she pissed both of us off to hell. I already talked about that, I think. Same thing this morning. And she says we refuse to learn from our 'mistakes'.
I set up an Open Diary for Sam and an AIM. I get home from errands just now and he says "I made a blog, too." This really ticked me off. There is a reason I set up the Open Diary. More kids his age, more to do. Nothing for him to do here. I shouldn't have given him anything. Kids are a hell of an annoyance on the friggin internet.
We're about to have lox and bagels and good cream cheese spreads, so I'm excited. I can't wait to eat. I'm starving. This morning, I woke up and felt dizzy, which most likely means my blood pressure is too low. That happens occasionally, but not enough to get off the pills completely. My Uncle, Bobby (my Dad's older brother) is really into natural remedies and things, and he told us about a specific herb that I don't know the name of right now that naturally cures high blood pressure. If it works for me, I'm definitely going off the pills. I'm sick of medicine. I'd rather just consume a plant.
Oh yay. My linens for school just arrived! I'm going to have to check them out in a few minutes. By the way, my wisdom teeth extraction is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10am. *Shudders profusely* Hopefully I'll be ok with the anesthetic, etc.
Before I forget, I have to fill you in on what actually went wrong with Noah. He didn't actually have a stomach virus, or any virus at all, in fact. What happened was the needle that delivers the insulin to his body from the insulin pump bent going in. Now, you can't tell this from the outside, because it's in his body and the patch on the outside looks normal. The only way to detect this is high blood sugar and high ketones. If the glucose is over 250 and you take correctice insulin and it still remains as high or gets higher after an hour, you have to switch the set because the needle is bent and not delivering insulin at all. So basically what happened was he wasn't getting any insulin for about 13 hours (from the time he switched the set until the morning when he got sick...since we didn't know about the set we kept it in and it ended up going on for 3 days).
The sets are supposed to be switched every three days, which would have happened, but by this time it was too late, because a couple of hours is more than awful and he went for 3 days. Also, not one doctor or nurse thought of this. Even though he had no signs of fever or virul/bacterial illness whatsoever. The MiniMed/MedTronic trainer thought of it as soon as she saw him. After her help, he began to get better. So much for med school, etc etc.
Our doctor, also, Dr. Bode, who was on a couple of days vacation during all of this (and hasn't seen him at all) got really pissed because his hospital refused to admit Noah. Now he's busy reprimanding the hospital and all of his affiliates about it.
I think that's all on this subject. Time for some lox and bagels.
I set up an Open Diary for Sam and an AIM. I get home from errands just now and he says "I made a blog, too." This really ticked me off. There is a reason I set up the Open Diary. More kids his age, more to do. Nothing for him to do here. I shouldn't have given him anything. Kids are a hell of an annoyance on the friggin internet.
We're about to have lox and bagels and good cream cheese spreads, so I'm excited. I can't wait to eat. I'm starving. This morning, I woke up and felt dizzy, which most likely means my blood pressure is too low. That happens occasionally, but not enough to get off the pills completely. My Uncle, Bobby (my Dad's older brother) is really into natural remedies and things, and he told us about a specific herb that I don't know the name of right now that naturally cures high blood pressure. If it works for me, I'm definitely going off the pills. I'm sick of medicine. I'd rather just consume a plant.
Oh yay. My linens for school just arrived! I'm going to have to check them out in a few minutes. By the way, my wisdom teeth extraction is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10am. *Shudders profusely* Hopefully I'll be ok with the anesthetic, etc.
Before I forget, I have to fill you in on what actually went wrong with Noah. He didn't actually have a stomach virus, or any virus at all, in fact. What happened was the needle that delivers the insulin to his body from the insulin pump bent going in. Now, you can't tell this from the outside, because it's in his body and the patch on the outside looks normal. The only way to detect this is high blood sugar and high ketones. If the glucose is over 250 and you take correctice insulin and it still remains as high or gets higher after an hour, you have to switch the set because the needle is bent and not delivering insulin at all. So basically what happened was he wasn't getting any insulin for about 13 hours (from the time he switched the set until the morning when he got sick...since we didn't know about the set we kept it in and it ended up going on for 3 days).
The sets are supposed to be switched every three days, which would have happened, but by this time it was too late, because a couple of hours is more than awful and he went for 3 days. Also, not one doctor or nurse thought of this. Even though he had no signs of fever or virul/bacterial illness whatsoever. The MiniMed/MedTronic trainer thought of it as soon as she saw him. After her help, he began to get better. So much for med school, etc etc.
Our doctor, also, Dr. Bode, who was on a couple of days vacation during all of this (and hasn't seen him at all) got really pissed because his hospital refused to admit Noah. Now he's busy reprimanding the hospital and all of his affiliates about it.
I think that's all on this subject. Time for some lox and bagels.
Monday, August 01, 2005
End of the Saga
Noah came home today!! We went to visit him this morning. Dad knocked on my door and I flew out of this dead sleep like no other. Then I went into Sam's room and moaned: "It's too early" and flopped face-down on Noah's bed. After that, I went back in my room and pretended to sleep for another twenty minutes. We went to the hospital and Noah was almost back to normal, but still pissy. "Go away! I hate people hanging over me all the time." Moan Moan Moan. So I went on the couch in the room and took a nap.
Soon after, Noah's lunch came. Chicken and a bunch of stuff. He ate literally two bites and went back to sleep. Then friggin Mom wouldn't let me have any carrots even when Noah said I could because he doesn't like them. The ol' torcher Tali routine because she can strikes again.
Anyway, we went home and ate. Earlier, before we left for the hospital visit I thought I'd try eating breakfast for once. Bad idea. As usual. Worst stomach ache ever. So by the time we got home from the hospital I was starving. Then when went to K-Mart and tried making my picture in one of those dating booth picture machines. They came out so badly. There was no ink in them and I looked like a mutated cow as usual. I can't stand how I look. I'm going to get plastic surgery one day and alter myself.
Then, as soon as we're done eating (this is all a little out of order because we went to the K-Mart on the way back) we got a call telling us that Noah was ready to go home, so we left. that's when the whole picture incident happened. So we trudged back off to the hospital and got Noah, only we had to wait for his "paperwork" for about an hour so I took another nap. Finally, we left. Noah is completely back to himself, he's just extremely tired, so he's sleeping now.
He's such a sweetie:-) Yay! I'm so happy he's better!
Soon after, Noah's lunch came. Chicken and a bunch of stuff. He ate literally two bites and went back to sleep. Then friggin Mom wouldn't let me have any carrots even when Noah said I could because he doesn't like them. The ol' torcher Tali routine because she can strikes again.
Anyway, we went home and ate. Earlier, before we left for the hospital visit I thought I'd try eating breakfast for once. Bad idea. As usual. Worst stomach ache ever. So by the time we got home from the hospital I was starving. Then when went to K-Mart and tried making my picture in one of those dating booth picture machines. They came out so badly. There was no ink in them and I looked like a mutated cow as usual. I can't stand how I look. I'm going to get plastic surgery one day and alter myself.
Then, as soon as we're done eating (this is all a little out of order because we went to the K-Mart on the way back) we got a call telling us that Noah was ready to go home, so we left. that's when the whole picture incident happened. So we trudged back off to the hospital and got Noah, only we had to wait for his "paperwork" for about an hour so I took another nap. Finally, we left. Noah is completely back to himself, he's just extremely tired, so he's sleeping now.
He's such a sweetie:-) Yay! I'm so happy he's better!
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