Enough

"What is it you're looking for, Little Girl?"
"What everyone looks for."
"What is that?"
"No one knows, Uriel. At least until they've lost it."
"Must you lose it?"
"Yes. Nothing is missed enough until you've had and lost. Too much is taken for granted.

* * *

A soul. For a soul to be nothing but light. For a soul to be nothing but a ray of light, forever eternal until absorbed by a body--and then, still extant. I pity the soul embodied as nothing but light, for embodiment is nothing at all when cast as nothing but soul.

I understand the angel now. A soul of nothing but light -- not to be seen unless enmeshed with all others in a being that doesn't quite resemble a star. But I hear him, and I see what he would be. I feel him, although his only feling is emotion -- I feel him.

Micha'el is here, watching me from the shadows. He understands human ailment. He can't feel life giving out. He understands emotion, though, but I don't understand his. part of me says he's wiser than Uriel. Part of me loves him more.

But of all celestial beings, it is a human who holds a place higher than them all. Angels don't have wings. I saw him again today, but I didn't approach more than I needed. Uriel says it's him. I still don't believe him entirely. But I am drawn to him anyway. Maybe I will go. Maybe I will calsp a human angel who's never known a thing of airborne wings.

Back in Kate's room again. Hmmm...got out of Medieval Lit. That man is amazing! He specializes in exactly what I want to major in. Only I can't because they don't offer comparative religions here. :-( The past few days, we've had discussions on pagan symbolism in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, only not just that, because it's joined with early Christianity...exactly my interest. The great thing about this particular text and the particular teaching of it by Bastien is that he acknowledges that it is neither a Christian nor pagan text, solely, but rather (possibly, most probably considering the symbolic evidence) a conglomerate of the two.

What bugged me was that he mosied around actually saying what I was thinking: Perhaps the poet is making a point, not just invoking both, but saying that both are one and the same in the mind's of the people confronted with the Pagan-Christian religious transition? Now I can't get that pentagram out of my head, nor the color symbolism, nor the fact that he touched on the black goddesses without going into the modern-day worship and invocation that still exists of the surviving black madonnas throughout continental Europe (specifically France) and the vestiges of it that made their way into Britain.

All right, I'll stop here because I can go on forever about this. *Sigh* What the fuck happened on that midterm?!?! This is the best class EVER. Well, since the midterm and the clarification of the specification of pagan/Celtic reference, I've noticed he's been especially careful as to specify between one and the other. I'm happy. And now that he's going on about continental Europe and Isis and Diana are in the picture, I also feel much more at home. Who would have thought?

Another friggin POWER OUTAGE!

SO....another power outage. Scheduled for...oh, I don't know, about twenty minutes from now. I hate this crap.

Anyhow, it's cold again, so that's nice. I went to class this morning, bored as hell as usual, but I made a B+ on the analytical reasoning quiz instead of a B! I didn't think that was humanly possible for anyone in the class. Then, I went to Hillel and talked to Manda about some stuff. Won't get into that. After that I tabled for Hillel and Kate sat with me instead of Joanna L because Joanna's got bronchitis and has a fever :-( I hope she gets better soon. She's been sick for a month now. After that, Kate and I walked to Hollywood Video and returned her movie and then she just had to get KFC so we went in there. Now, here I am back in the dorm waiting for the power to die and Kate's in a church with a nasty little bratty eight-year-old tutoring for community service. I think not. She went on a rampage about how I should work at camp like her this summer and I said "No...I think I'll work at Borders. It's my dream job."

She said that would be good for me. Stupid brats. Anyhow, I better turn this off before the power goes. I'll be back later, maybe. Writing the report for Hebrew. I hate Bitchla. By the way. Al haLu'ach, Eta-Meena! Al haLu'ach!!!! Damn it. WE KNOW.

Distance does take it's toll, but perhaps I had it wrong all along. The toll is not of me, but to me, and when people grow up, closeness works the other way around. Distance brings souls closer if they're real for each other. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For being real.

I never had it before, and now, the unmade beings are everywhere, flaunting themselves, hurling themselves upon my reality. I've decided that I must write them away. I must write the angels away. I will write them all away to make room for what is real. I will make room for you because you're real. Real. Real. Real! I have it all and it's real. I can touch it, I can hear it, I can smell it, I can see it--and none of it is ever my imagination.

Another Angelic Visit

Uriel came again today. They were all there, standing in the middle of the swirling autumn leaves. Wynn came, too. I haven't seen her in years. Since Uriel came. And I spoke in that other language again, and I still remember. The angelic language that rolls off my tongue and no one else's.

"Why now, Uriel?" I asked.
"We hold the wind."
"Like where you were born? I thought that was the desert."
"Aah, but the wind blows somewhere with all of its voices, Little Girl. Now it is an autumn wind. Not a desert wind. We revel in this, too."
Then, humans interrupted and he disappeared but the others were still there, on top buildings, trees, or wavering in the wind on the ground.

When I got away from the people, Wynn came to me.
"Where have you been?" I asked.
"Wandering all over the earth," she said.
"You are like Satan, now," I joked.
"I suppose we all are."
"I forgot what you looked like."
"Yes, child."
"Why do you come to me? Why do you all inflate my world?"
"That is what we are for. Eternity is...boring...if not for human time. Why have it all pass in a moment? This is why."

Fixing a Hole Where the Rain Gets In

I have to fix my mind. Somewhere in there, there has to be some meddling done, some altering. But how do I transcend myself? Too many dreams flood me and the borders are blurred between them all and what is real.

What is real?

I don't know anymore, Mac. I don't know.

Damn it. That was Sibyl Freid. See her? That was Sibyl Freid. I'm that girl again.
Nononononononono. Not again. No not again Sibyl Sibyl. Not again.

You see? Back to it all again. Aliya is her mind, you know. The Ascender. Aliya is her mind, Berekiah the face and the emotion--almost. I will ascend.

Ascend! Ascend! Aliya! Aliya! Ascend! Ascend!

I will ascend to where?I don't know. There're too many angels tonight. The night is dark and full of angels tonight. Will they take me? Will they make me? Will they pull me from it all and erase that everlasting madness?

I want to rid myself of Uriel. But where would I be without him? Whre would all the words be? I must write him away so that he never comes back. Then, I will be myself. No more Sibyl Freid. No more Aliya. I will write him away so that everyone can read him and then he will come no more.

"Aah, now, Little Girl. What say you now?"
"Dream of another, my sweet angel. Dream another before I dream you away."
"I Dream. But only of you."
"I Dream. But it'll be over soon. You're next. Ithaca will have to wait."
"What will the others say, Little Girl? What will become of the Universe?"
"They'll say nothing. Because nonexistence says nothing, is nothing, never was, never will be, never is. That is what I say. That is what they say. Nothing nothing nothing."

Same old thing

So it's back to the same old thing. I'm used to it. I'm used to it. I know I know. Well, there's Kate. And I'm not some piece of shit to her. Actually, I'm a friend and she's mine, too, so I'll go with that. The good thing is, she's in both worlds: school and home. It's amazing how you can live down the block from someone for years and never meet them until you go more than a thousand miles away.

I'm really missing some people right now. Really really missing. I want to hear them and they're not there. And I want to see them and they're not here.

Yesterday I was sitting in the middle of a bout 500 people in the cafeteria. Everyone was into conversation with everyone else and I was alone. I can start out with people, and soon they'll fade and the loneliness will set in. "Sweet misery, she loves her company. She's in a crowd when she is all alone."

Go figure.