Some songs break the surface of the soul like knives break skin. I'm the kind of person who listens to songs on repeat because I'm not satisfied with a mere break, but with a stab and a twist. Music digs me and I dig it. I need it to keep breathing. The whole world can flow by, a maelstrom around me, apt to drown me and everyone else along with me in pain and chaos and questions devoid of answers. But music takes me away from all of that. Turn up the music and let the world float away. Let the world rage. Let the world go on and I will walk safely through it, armed with nothing but two headphones and a music player with the volume turned all the way up.
Usually, I'm trapped in time. The past takes over, the present is too all-consuming with empty promises and the future never comes until it's too late. Music takes me away from all that. Music is timeless. I become super-human, a universal being swimming in the universal language. No more worries. No more necessities. No more desires. Everything fulfilled. Just in some notes. Just in some vibrations that come together perfectly in their imperfection like the innocent dreams of a child. I get lost there, more than I ever did in people. More than I ever did in broken hearts or wishes never granted. If I could, I would keep it playing constantly. I would keep it playing so everything disappears. But, I suppose, beauty cannot be fully appreciated without its opposite. So I welcome the sadness, too. I welcome the chaos. Where would I be without it?
True, I am torn between loathing these two polar opposites for what they do to me and my race, and loving them...for what they do to me and my race. They are both inherent within us, and they tear us apart and bring us together. So I escape to music, where chaos and beauty can be one and I can transcend the Human while being uplifted by one of our greatest feats. This is the mystery I have been long wanting to solve: what keeps me going in the face of hopelessness? The yin-yang nature of the beauty-chaos. I exist on the line in between and I bleed into both and they both bleed into me. We share a mutual existence, like the angel Uriel tried to explain to me once a long, long time ago: we exist because we dream of each other and neither can stop until the other ceases. It is an endless battle. But it is only a battle if we look at it as such. Really, it's an endless gift, but gifts are worth prices, and as always, I am willing to pay the price. The price is worth it. The price is worth it.
