"I was working on a--I was working on a moment. Can't you see that moment?"
"I'm seeing a minute if that counts."
"No. Just a moment. Just a moment."
"What do you want?"
"More of them. I'm telling you, I want more of them."

I love the way life plays out. I prayed for a Friend. I wished for a Friend. And I got it. I got it this time. And I got two. One stronger in the first place, but the other isn't too far behind.

I also love the way I always stressed the fact that the love I speak of is never romantic. Up until now, I never believed that anyone else could really feel like that. But it's true. If someone can care about me this much and love me this much without being in love, that's way fucking wicked amazing. So much I can't really describe it in words. Because I know that it's the closest thing I'll have to forever.

We don't speak of forever because that's illogical. Nothing lasts forever for one reason or another. People die and illusion with it or people change and the feeling fades. This won't fade, I don't think. Maybe it'll have its ups and downs and I'll cry like it's fading but I won't really think so underneath.

This has been a good trial. But it proved something to me that I would never give up for anything. Not for anything. I would die to save it and you know that I wouldn't die for anything. Because I love living and if you can find something to live for instead of dying for, then you've really got a handle on it all. But I live for this and I'll take it with me to heaven or hell or oblivion...wherever it is we all end up.

The great storm is over. At least for now. (I don't think I want the big storm to be over yet. Not yet. It's too good for that.)

Perhaps things won't be so bad. I can't say I'm not disappointed, but I can say that I believe I can trust them to not abandon me. I guess that's all I really care about. I don't want them to leave me. I think, maybe, sincerely, that they won't.

Today it's been a year since I last saw Anthony. I guess it's a good date for an anniversary because it'll also be the day I decided I'm done with all of their bullshit.

I thought about it. I really did. And I thought about it again and thought I could accept it and be happy and be happy for them. But I can't. I can't be happy. Sure, I'll be happy for them. But I can't be happy myself. Because he lied.

Because he led me on.
Because he lied just like they did.
So now I'm done with it. Never, never, never again.
Never again.
See me build my walls?
See me getting harder?
It's easy.
It's easy.
It's easy.
Build a wall around my heart and the pain can't get through. It's easy. Just just like this.

This is the part where I disappear. Because a year-and-a-half is up. Because history repeats itself. Because I can never keep anything I love.

Despite what they say, I know how it goes. I know this game. I know this review.

The bottom line is, I'm alone again. Like I'll always be. Like I've always been.

But it doesn't matter. Concentrate on finals and papers, I suppose. And then...something else mundane.

"What do you want?" asks the traveller.
And the sibyl replied: "I want to die."

If I jump from 100 feet up, will it feel like flying? No. Probably more like vertigo and I get enough of that without being so high off the ground.

I've got to get out of this. That's what that was referring to. Get out of this, so I'm talking to people and taking action, although only James has an idea about it. He says it's the best thing I can do. Because any way I choose, I'll feel guilty. This is the one where I'll end up feeling the least. Maybe it's selfish. He says no, he'd do the same. But I guess that's because we're both sick of carrying everyone else's burdens as if they're our own. We will, nevertheless, just not as much.

Speaking of vertigo, we went on an adventure last night and climbed to the top of the library. We found a door left open, probably inadvertently by some maintenance guys, and climbed up. The view was spectacular. We could see the whole city from way up there. I couldn't go near the edge unless I was crawling, though. He, of course, was all over the ledges. But the drop was straight down ridiculous 60 feet or more. I think it's more. He thinks it's 60. I climbed a ladder to a tower on the roof to get higher. I was shaking but the view was worth it. I held onto him and then it was all right.

The accomplishment was climbing down. I climbed down. I almost froze, but I climbed down and lookie, lookie. I'm still alive.

Everything looks so small and you feel so big from up there. The water was frozen up there but it wasn't on the ground, so just imagine how high we were. It makes me think of God. God is cold and omniscient and...lonely. What else could it be but lonely?

Now I don't feel as bad. But it's the same thing. We're all alone together and lonely apart.

Figures, don't it?

I lost all hope in humanity a while ago. I kept pretending I didn't. But I'm through with that now. I'm through with that because I'm sick of all the lies. I'm sick of all the people saying they'll be there forever and dropping off the face of the earth.

So fuck all of you. I'm done with that shit.

Go back to your good life.

Now I wonder why I bother writing this piece of crap. It doesn't matter anyway and you'll all forget me a second later. I'm used to your lies so don't try to protest. Don't try to protest. It makes me puke.

If I jump from over 100 feet up, do you think it'll feel like flying? No, but I'll get over the acrophobia and then life, too. That's where we all end up, so what's the difference?