Hell in the Room

Ok. Here's the shit:

Clark University is amazing. The teachers are amazing (Dr. Lou from kickass Medieval Lit especially!!!). Well, the Analytical Reasoning is a waste of time. Dig for gold in my nose. But I'm in the class with my friends Keen, Ben G., Jeff and Michelle so it's awesome. Then I have Hebrew 101 which is good. It's not very amazing, but it's a good class--only 15 ppl I think. Hmmm...tomorrow is the first day of the Speculative Fiction seminar with Professor Huang, who is just about as awesome as Dr. Lou. Actually, I think they're both on par with each other.

The friends are great here, just like everything else. And guys actually like me as more than just 'one of the guys' and all that crap. But then there's the room mate situation. Why is it that I always get coupled with psychos? The girl hits me, laughs at me, has no social tact whatsoever. Is the most annoying human being I've ever met. And she's "nice" but the smacking in the face with random objects out of the blue is really starting to piss me off and sending her into the "fucktard bitch" category.

Just about everyone she's encountered can't stand her, thinks she's 'funny' but agree wholeheartedly with me and everyone else that she would be an awful thing to live with. I get the same response from everyone: "I'm so so sorry..."

Yeah. Me too.

So I've been on the phone with my parents about it and with Mark. For the past two days, crying about it. I'm sick of her freakish weird I-don't-know-what-the-hell-to-call-it porn-ish videos. And her smacking. And her dumbass laughing at nothing and all the making fun of me for nothing. I try being nice, but NOOOO. What do I get for it? A smashed watermelon for a face. (ok, it's not that bad, but it might get there.) So meanwhile, I've had about 10 RA meetings in the past week about it. Six of which have been in the last two or three days. Great. And apparently, I'm the one who has to switch. Hell no. I heard there's one way to get around it...if she's a sicko violent freak which means she has to move out. Good. I guess I she qualifies.

All right. Have to go now, because I have a visitor. Leave notes, please, if you read this. I'm lonely.

It is Good

Things are still amazingly good. I have to register for classes tomorrow at 9am which should be interesting. Just about 500-something students all on the network rushing to get the classes they want and need. Joy.

We met with Professor Huang today, who is absolutely awesome. My seminar group rocks. They're all very smart and interesting, and most importantly, interested. Orientation is almost over, which is good. Overall, it has been surprisingly amusing and entertaining as well as informative. The only downside is that it's like a high school flashback...sex education and all that crap like we had just about every week in school for four years. I had it in middle school, too. But it will all be over tomorrow. Yayness.

Mark called me. Yay! To see how I'm doing at "Jew U" as he calls it. *shakes head* So we talked for a while and made me really happy as usual. It was quite amusing as I've been really happy as it is. That's nice, too. I did have an asthma attack right before then, though. That's the one bad thing about college. Smoking everywhere. Can't escape it. I walk through clouds of seconhand tar and end up getting dizzy and seeping into that state where death isn't so far off or unimaginable.

So I tell myself to breathe, breathe, breathe. It works. If everything goes well, it'll work forever. We forgot the nebulizer, so that has to be sent to me along with books, etc. I think in the scheme of things, the nebulizer is a tad bit more important than books, but you know me, and I put my grades and classes and all the shit that ends up being rather pointless before my body. I guess this is a bad thing, but I take care of myself pretty well anyhow, it's just that my priorities are a bit squewed. Oh well. Well, I guess in the long run, they're about even, so I shouldn't worry too much. My inhalers are amazing and relaxation seems to work.

And now I'm going to bed because I'm dead tired as usual. Welcome to the life of a college student!

At School

I haven't written for a few days, but I guess that's understandable. It's actually surprising I'm able to write this now. Orientation has been a bitch, taking up everything and is basically causing an onrush of High School flashbacks. Lovely. I won't do drugs. I won't do drugs! I think I know all this shit by now. Except now I can't have my wine for my heart, so let's watch the pressure go up UP UP!

Anyhow, Clark is amazing. Everyone is so nice. I've met Carolyn, Nick C., Ian, and Dan. They're all so awesome. Then, I met another Nick who sat listening to me play guitar and sing for about 2 hours. Beth and Erin (met them too) were more of an audience and they all gave me tips! I'm rich! Yeah. Right. Well, richer than I was. No way in hell I'm recovering my book money that Mom just "inadvertently" spent on shit.

Wonderful. I guess I'll just have to fail and blame it on her and give her a little guilt trip this time. "What do you want from me?" she says. And then has the nerve to call me up and call me "sweetie". Sweet this. Yeah. I'm kind of freaking. I'll be fine, right? I'll get all my books from cheapo stores, etc and everything will be fine.

Last Day Forever

Today is the last official day that I live with my parents. And the day is over. We're leaving tomorrow at some ridiculously early time (like 4 fucking 30 am). I really hope it's not that early. I'm going to die if it's that early because...I can't function then.

Anyway, Sam and Noah have been having bouts of misery breakdowns all evening.
"I don't want you to go!"
"What are we going to do without you?"
"What am I going to do with just Mom at home??"
Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

Sam is up right now because he's low...59. Ick. So he's eating. Farting all over the place, too and telling me that apparently his fart goes well with the calendar he's looking at because scuba divers have "all kinds of equipment that creates gas bubbles". *sigh* It's all he ever thinks of. Gas. Methan in particular.

Well, I guess this is the moment when I leave it all behind for better or worse. I really think it's better this way. Distance can be a friend sometimes, for some situations and there's one in particular that I don't know how to deal with right now, so not dealing with it seems great and everything's falling into place for that...so no excuses necessary.

Really, though, I'll miss my friends a lot. I saw Emma today for the last time for a while. I played her the new song and she got all teary-eyed (even though she wouldn't admit it...I totally saw it). Emma and Mark. I think I'll miss them the most. I was closest to them and they were both there for most of the time...even if one of them was being an ass. Now, I wonder, will I really know them in a year? Two years? Five years? Ten years? Will they fade into the past while others who go unnoticed now surprisingly stay in the picture? I hope they don't. Of all people, I hope they never fade. Or I for them. But I guess with friends, it works both ways or not at all, so of course it's them for me and I for them. And now I'm rambling because my feet hurt and my mind is shot and I've been packing all day.

Sam just gave me this amazingly sweet good-night kiss and told me he'd email me tomorrow. (And so it begins...) Well, I don't think I'll be able to blog for a little while, because I'll be on the road and busy busy with family (lovely) and meeting Charlie! I'm excited about meeting Charlie. Hmm...well we have to make it to New Jersey by tomorrow evening, and I want to get there early so I can see Carloyn and Ariana (best aunt ever...coolest cousin, too). :-D

So I'm going to sleep. I will update when I get the chance. I love all of you guys!

Middle School Days Begin...

Because I've just typed out the current conversation my brothers have been having with me and my so-far internet acquaintance, Dan, I'll cut and paste the amazing IM convo here. *Sigh* People still had cooties when I was eleven!!

(22:19:53) a HangMansBurden: *little men have invaded*
(22:20:57) helfyrebrimstone: hey guys!
(22:21:11) a HangMansBurden: they're all perky now
(22:21:19) a HangMansBurden: noah knows who you are....sam doesn't
(22:22:14) a HangMansBurden: sam says...*sigh* SAM says "oh...hi crotch-o" (just like my brother to say that...:-() noah says "ugh...it burns!!!!"
(22:22:32) a HangMansBurden: *sigh*
(22:24:23) helfyrebrimstone: SIGH
(22:24:23) a HangMansBurden: my brother is telling me about his 6th sex ed class
(22:24:39) a HangMansBurden: "don't have sex because then you'll get in trouble and have babies" says the sex nurse.
(22:25:13) a HangMansBurden: "and then she's like 'don't advertise, because then you're going to make people wanna have MORE!'"
(22:25:28) a HangMansBurden: "and then she's like 'just...promise me you WON"T HAVE SEX!!!!"
(22:25:32) a HangMansBurden: (to 11 yr olds...)
(22:25:35) a HangMansBurden: LMAO
(22:25:35) helfyrebrimstone: lol
(22:25:53) a HangMansBurden: "she's like, last year, ppl had sex when they weren't supposed to and had herpes."
(22:26:42) a HangMansBurden: *sidenote: Hightower Trail Middle School had unexpected epidemic of genital herpes (in the mouth area of female students, genital area of male) in the 6th and 7th grades....
(22:26:47) a HangMansBurden: last year....
(22:26:52) a HangMansBurden: (lovely...)
(22:27:27) helfyrebrimstone: lol
(22:27:59) a HangMansBurden: "so my math teacher in the first day of school she comes in and she's like, ok, we're discussing clubs and there's this ummmm character building class that helps people who need roofs over their heads and stuff like that and medical attention and she's like OK last year, people had sex and there was a herpes epidemic. it's NOT GOOD. DON'T DO IT!"
(22:28:04) a HangMansBurden: to sixth graders!!!!!
(22:28:25) a HangMansBurden: "It will hurt you and then you will be sick and after that you won't feel good and the people you have sex with won't feel good and then you'll have CHILDREN!!!!"
(22:28:32) helfyrebrimstone: lol
(22:28:56) a HangMansBurden: oy
(22:29:48) a HangMansBurden: "jack and jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. jack got high, unzipped his fly and asked jill "do ya wanna?? jill said "yes" took off her dress and soon they had some fun. but silly jill forgot her pill and now they have a son!!!"
(22:29:54) a HangMansBurden: ":-D"
(22:30:32) a HangMansBurden: middle school these days
(22:30:34) helfyrebrimstone: haha
(22:30:44) a HangMansBurden: OY
(22:32:28) a HangMansBurden: you're making it into my blog again.
(22:32:43) helfyrebrimstone: i am?

And the saga shall continue...

Freedom for the Butterfly

Perhaps yesterday was a Sunday,
falsely proclaiming itself head of the week
when it was Saturday--only the last.
None of it mattered
in this brief respite of Time
because the mornings roll on
and the evenings always follow.
But where will you be
when mine stops just short
of the twilight?

Thinking on the Latest

Everyone is gone, the new era in our lives begun. I will surely miss them all. We have our whole lives ahead of us, and I truly hope we make the best and most of the time. The unknown isn't so scary anymore, just almost discovered. I know we'll lose a lot. Some of us will lose our childhood and its memory. Some of us will lose our zeal for life. Some of us will lose our wisdom and live the remainder of our lives under the illusions of age. But some of us will gain experience, compile it with the wisdom of youth and never grow old.

Some of us will gain love, live for it and die with it. Some of us will gain sadness, disillusionment. Some of us will gain bliss. None of us can know from here just what our futures hold. But if we never forget who we are on this day, if we never forget who we were, all youth and age, ignorance and knowledge, will come together to create a life that truly never loses itself along the way. I pray that all my friends--old and not made yet--to never lose a bit of what is good and never take to heart what isn't. Since I am already lost to that cause, I only pray that my heart be lightened and that I remain as I am now, in essence, for the rest of my life, because I am content with it; and that the day when I look back upon this page and say "What a nice wish that never had a chance" never comes to be.

Fasting and It's not Ending

I'm still fasting. I feel very, very, very hungry. And yes, yes, I know I shouldn't complain. Look what Dan has to go through. About 36 hours of fasting. And look at all of those poor people in the world who have to steal for food. But the fast is doing it's job. I'm starving and sad like I'm supposed to be and everytime I think that, I think: T'sha B'av--mourn for Jerusalem.

The sad thing is, I probably mourn for Jerusalem just about every day. I literally cry, too. Now, every bout of crying does not entail tear-shedding, but I do cry for Jerusalem. But right now I can't think because of lack of nutrition and there's absolutely no real reason for my adrenalin to kick in and make it start happening, so I'm going to stop writing and come back later after I've stuffed my starving face.

"How Lonely Sits the City Once Great With People..."

Someone once told me that you build your life around your love and not the other way around. That person is probably reading this right now and you know who you are. On all accounts, you're right--at least for me, or any person who wishes to be human.

Tonight is the Ninth of Av--the saddest day of the Jewish year. Eicha was chanted, and for the first time, I could chant along. It's amazing what self-motivation can accomplish. At the end, a mourner broke down and cried for more than Jerusalem. I cried with her. There were seven of us in the room listening to her cry, waiting for the silence to fill up the sobs so we would no longer have to lament the sobs filling the silence.

So I began to think. Not only do you build your life around your love, but your death, as well. I have a gift that I deem curse more often and it is the gift of empathy. I could hear her thoughts; how she would go home this night and every night for the rest of her life and he would never be there anymore. I thought, what would I do? I would die, inadvertently, of an empty life. Because eventually, the life you build around around your love sheds away and it's only the love. Without it, there's no life left, save for the ghost--and memories, most often, simply do not suffice.

I have hope:
The kindness of the Lord has not ended
His mercies are not spent.
They are renewed every morning--
Ample is Your grace!
"The Lord is my portion," I say with full heart;
Therefore I will hope in Him. -Eicha (by Yerumiah aka Jeremiah) 3:21-24 (Lamentations)

Post Euphoria

The euphoric high ended. That's not so bad, I'm just not floating around on the stars anymore. It's funny how I'd really like to, literally, though. I didn't get to see Jason yesterday because I got caught up in running errands and writing that song. And today I don't know what exactly happened, but he ended up not calling me back and he's with Matt Judd (the guy I run into everywhere).

Anyhow, I have that haftarah to read in eicha trope tomorrow morning (gag me now) and I guess it'll go well. I learned the stuff, at least and once I learn it, everyone knows I'm more than good at it, but I'll be shaking like a ship being wrecked in a hurricane when I'm up there, nevertheless.

About 85% of my friends move into UGA tomorrow. This includes Kelly, Mark, Lindsay, and just about everyone else in my world. A few are going to Kennesaw but not many, considering I know literally about 3000 people. Probably more. Of those 3000, about 300 are kids I refer to as "friends" and that's where the 85% comes from. I can't do math at all, even with a calculator, so someone else figure out what number that is. Emma's going to Mary Washington in Virginia, so she's escaping Georgia like I am.

I'll miss it though. I really like it here. Yeah, yeah. I hated Savannah, still do, always will. But here is great. Here, I got everything I ever wanted. Here, I became myself again and because of that I'll miss it...and even though it's Georgia, I'll call it home. And occasionally I'll say that I'm from Marietta or Atlanta.

Dad and I went to my last acoustic jam session at Dreamcatcher's today. It was only us and this new guy, Lance. A 22-year-old proffessional guitarist who is absolutely incredible. He made my songs and Dad's awesome. He's not much of a singer at all, so he only sang 2 songs, but he's amazing at guitar...mainly does lead in studio and other things proffessionally. Too bad I'll never see him again. It sucks how you're in a place for so long and you finally start finding the cool things around--your niche just as you leave. I remember it used to be like that when I was really little with playdates. I'd be over at the house or vice versa for hours and hours and we'd hate each other the entire time until about 10 minutes before the doorbell rang and one of us had to go home.

That's how it is with all good things, though. Time runs out because we're fools and waste the rest of it. And even if we didn't, it would still be too short.

Well, good evening, because the sun is about to set and I must be off. Shabbat Shalom.

Extra-Ordinary Piece (If You'd Be)

This is the day I'll find my own
When you'll laugh at the answers I give
for the joy of hearing them at last

Now you're going out to find yourself
and I'll be with you always
because you showed me the way to everlasting love

And if you'd be that extra-ordinary
piece of the usual
I'll find my peace

Tonight I'll dream of you again
Because there's hope for tomorrow
and not just a chance

So swear again and again like you did that day
that you'll remain my friend
and love me forever

And if you'd be that extra-ordinary
piece of the usual
I'll find my peace

And if you'll let me be yours
I'll say "I love you" every morning
and the wonderful will never cease

And if you'd be that extra-ordinary
piece of the usual
I'll find my peace

And if you'd be that extra-ordinary
piece of my usual
I really think we'd both find our peace
Find our peace

From a Brink to Nowhere

It's nice to know that someone loves you. Right now I can't really say anything else. But it's all I can think about because my entire life has been shattered and built up again and shattered and built up again, over and over for as long as I can remember--and never once has anyone let me know definitively before. Even though I had to start it myself, I still know. Considering that, also, I've never wanted to do that before and never thought it was very important,but I have never agonized over saying something for so long, either.

But it's nice to know. It lets you know (it lets me know) that I really am someone to someone else. It's even better because the someone else is the most important someone in my life. Right now is strange, because we're all on the brink of ---Who Knows? Life is changing, just beginning. And ending in every way we've ever known.

(Side note...Sam just walked in and says "If you take music, you don't have to take PE. I think I'll be taking music and playing the flute." I say: "What if you can't make a sound on the flute...like me?" And he says "You don't practice wind instruments" and whips out a whoopi cushion. HAHAHA. It was HILARIOUS.)

Anyhow, if this end is the beginning of the rest of it, I'm absolutely in love with it. I'm absolutely in love with it. Here are promises, swears, dreams--all made possible, and all made probable by no other than impossibility:
I will never lose the wonder of a child.
I will always have hope, because the thing you've lost faith in is just around the corner and most likely better than you've been dreaming.
Things work out in the little ways and that's what counts.
Humanity will never transcend its beast, but the individual can. Be one. (Not all.)
Life is beautiful even with its hell.

Life beautiful, because even in the night, there are stars; and if the night is cloudy, sometimes clouds bring rain and the morning will be green; and if the clouds don't bring rain and only overcast, imagine what's beyond it and it will sustain you...because it's better than reality. But when the wind blows the clouds away and the stars shine again and you find yourself longing for them, know they'll be there for the human eternity--if one is destroyed, it's death is beautiful, too, just like creation. And when night fades away and the stars disappear, the day comes with the brightest star of all. And if the clouds come then, too, just remember, they'll either bring more life--or remember that they can't stay forever.

But if you're stuck inside and can't see any of this because you have no windows...go further into yourself, to when you were a child, to when you were an infant. For the infant sees the world with more clarity than anyone else: everything is miraculous and new. Nothing surprises the infant because every single thing is astounding. Be the infant. Be the eye that blinks.

I am the eye that blinks.

Aaah

Not going into too much tonight. But life is good. Life is beautiful. And maybe, just maybe, it'll stay that way.

That's me, by the way. I hope I always look that good. I love this picture.

Thinking of the Closest Berekiah Freid I Know

Berekiah Freid came about from nothing, like all people, but he wasn't concieved of sperm and egg, exactly...more of imaginative seed and a lonely little girl who had nothing to do but dream of future children who could never be. I never thought I'd meet anyone remotely Berekiah. And in the end, Berekiah wasn't my son, but Sibyl Freid's. And Sibyl Freid was the lonely little girl who tossed away her present and her past for a future that never would exist.

I guess I lied. Sibyl is me in a way. Not in most, but in the most fundamental. Caught up in dreams, living them with false hope, loving everyone and no one...but mostly loving specific people in the ways in which they can never love me back. Anyhow, I transcended the part of me that would shut out reality. Sibyl Freid took that on and I wrote her and her children as if there would be no tomorrow in hope that yesterday will never be forgotten. So I made Sibyl Freid fall in love with her children, like any mother should, but I made her children fall in love with each other in too many ways so that they drive each other mad and into oblivion.

The funny thing is, I did meet a Berekiah. No, he didn't fall in love with his sister, but he is like him in so many ways. When I speak to him, it's as if I'm speaking to that child of my creation. Someone who is only supposed to exist on the page and in my mind. I can't explain it. It's almost as if he's a character from In Pursuit of Wind. It's almost as if he's Berekiah, the kind of person who shouldn't be real and usually isn't. But the creator (who would be me) should always preceed the created, and this is not the case. Which is even more Berekiah-like. Because Time is irrelevant to him.

Does the world fall upon his shoulders, unwarranted, just as it does for Berekiah? I don't know. But it seems to. And he chooses it. And intrigues me, just because of this--how life passes into his hands and out, and how he writes it down and goes on and turns off and turns on according to nothing. But the nothing is something and it doesn't make sense. In the end, Berekiah is everywhere...nowhere, except where he's always been: on the uncatchable wind of the fragments in the kaleidoscope of figments of the imagination.

"Will I ever catch it?" I asked.
"Catch what?"
"The wind? Will I ever catch the wind, Doctor?"
"No. It can only catch you."
"How do I break away?"
"Go inside."
I laughed as the clouds shifted and a sunbeam fell on me.
"I'm in the doorway," I said. "And all I see is the World."

The Usual, Once Again

Just as things come together, they beging to fall apart all over again. That's just life, I guess, but I'm furious about it. Do I have to go through everything alone, take on the burdens of all people I happen to come into contact with? I suppose so.

I'll stay here, leave and come back, because I can't leave my brothers for dead at home, because that's what it'll be without me. Everything I do and don't do is eaten up by a guilty conscience. Nothing's ever right. Nothing's ever good enough. But is self-sacrifice the answer or the antithesis of self-righteousness? I still don't know, but either way, I lose. In the end, I'd rather lose to everyone who's winning instead of dragging the lot of them with me.

Another selfless act...

Yet, no matter what, I'm called selfish and with every waking moment, I attempt to prove the label wrong. It figures--all the time is spent on myself anyway. An dI"m still a part of the endless wave, making no impression on the ocean but a bad one beacuse the rest always goes unnoticed.

And why do I care anyway? No one else seems to be concerned. It's in my damned nature and I can't run from it. If I could, I'd no longer be myself, which actually sounds rather appealing. I wouldn't be missed anyhow. Human memory is vague or non-existent when it comes to these things...but in the end I'd still be looking through my eyes, even if it's also through someone else's.

So the pointless thought pattern strikes again. It's always this. And all thoughts are pointless in the end.

Georgia Mental Health

Ok...really really random. But I went downstairs for no reason in particular and Noah is smiling at me very strangely from his chair and I ask "What?"

"Oh, we just got a call from an inmate of the Georgia Mental Health Penitentiary."
"What?!"
"Yep."
"What?!"
"Just got a call."
"Who was it?"
"No idea."
Yeah.
"I hung up."
"I figured. You shouldn't have!!! I want to know who it was! You could've wasted their phone call!"
"Then they should've called a lawyer not some random stranger's house!" butts in Mom.
"Ugh," I say.
"Haha," says Noah.
"Well, did you hear his name?"
"Yeah...Billy Bob or something..."

Expressionless in the Mirror

Sitting here making faces at myself in the mirror across from my bed. Still exhausted with huge rings under my eyes and a very nice, granny smith colored bruise is beginning to take form on the left side of my jaw bone. Well, it's not too bad. Last night I had a dream about the president nuking his own country--twice. How nice. Well, he might as well. Abolishing the Equal Voting Rights Act just about undose 'America' and I really think it's just about time to move out.

I'm listening to Amber's CDs finally...the ones that she made me for my birthday. They're pretty good, actually. Usually, I'm not too enthusiastic about the music my friends say I'll like because I'm not a fan of modern music whatsoever...Speaking of music...I started learning Lakes of Pontchartrain. I'm playing with the two finger picks on my middle and ring finger and the flat pick on the top--so semi-Paul Brady and it sounds good. The next step will be to write my own lyrics to the amazing tune.

Also, I've finally been catching up transferring my Drama Journals to the computer. I was a month behind and now I'm only a few days, which is good. Last night I went to a Cathy Reed concert and she asked Dad to go up and play The Ladder Holder and I got to go up and sing with them, which was awesome. If I could be a singer, it would be quite nice...

I still have to finish up my college shopping...pants pants pants! I still need jeans and comfy pants. Also, I'm trying to fit in seeing all my friends one last time before they're all gone. Steve's already at Auburn, which sucks. Moved in yesterday. The South starts too early, people. So no seeing Steve:-( Thank technology for the telephone. Mark's on Tuesday. Kelly Long's on Wednesday. Kelly O's out because she's randomly moving to Nebraska?? Well, her family is and she's moving into UGA like the rest of the world. Lindsay...can't get in touch with her as usual, so most likely no seeing her either. And I'm still supposed to call Mrs. Tosi (the best teacher ever). I was supposed to last week, but Noah ended up in the hospital and I didn't do much of calling anyone and then I was in tooth surgery and jello until yesterday. I'm still a little jello today. But...not so bad.

And I still haven't learned Aicha! Rabbi Analia told me that I could do the whole haftarah in regular trope, so WTF? "It's just tradition...which one were you going to do?" OMG. I don't know. That woman doesn't know anything, so I told Analia and she said she didn't know what Linda was talking about. As usual. Oh well. Since I can just do it in normal trope, I shouldn't be worrying anymore, should I? But I called Rabbi Mario anyway and hopefully he'll get back to me sometime today and fix it all up.

That's all for now. Hopefully all of this entry will save. It's been really whacky lately and cutting off everything. :-(

Dead Asleep

Since the surgery, I've been great, except I'm absolutely starving. Then, after I eat, (usually a lot) I sink into a dead sleep. For hours and hours. When I wake up, I'm starving again and the pattern continues. *Yawn* To top it all off, I still haven't learned Aicha trope and I have to read the Haftarah next Shabbat and Mom hid the friggin directory with the rabbi's phone number in it again. Oh well. I guess I'll have to listen to that virtualcantor.com and learn the trope through how he sings the megillah, then transfer it over to the haftarah. That'll be a joy.

Meanwhile, I'm still exhausted. I just want to call them up and say "Yeah. For the past two weeks, I haven't been able to do anything along the lines of studying for the haftarah, learning the trope, because there have been hospitals and surgeries and major stresses everywhere in my life!" But I can't back down because who the hell else is going to do it?

On a happier note, my friend Steve put In Pursuit of Wind as his one and only favourite book on his facebook!! That made me really happy! And Emma told me that he doesn't even like to read, but I already knew that because he told me when I first asked him if he'd like to read it. Still, it makes me happy, because it's not the average ladee-doo-dah book. It's pretty dense.

The Aftermath

Well, I got the wisdom teeth out. I didn't really have any side effects other than numbness, which I'm still getting over. It's just a tiny part of my chin and lower lip, but it's getting smaller. I was eating chicken 4 hours after the surgery and haven't been in too much pain. The pain medication may be helping but i'm about 6 hours overdo and I sill don't feel pain...it's not numb, either, just normal. So yay!

Unlike Dad, I had no side effects from the anesthesia. He reacts really badly. Mark does, too, as a matter of fact. He's just like my dad. In everything (except the Catholic thing) and it's really weird. Dad would still be a vegetable for the next 4 days. Oh! And I talked to Emma who was with Steve which was really good because he'd text messaged me about hoping I feel better with the wisdom teeth because he'd heard about it from Emma. I love my friends :-)

Anyway, Noah is all the way back to himself, he just can't go out and play for very long because he gets really tired.

Just a Bit of Stuff

Well, here's what's been going on. Noah is almost better, but because Mom is convinced that screaming at him is going to make him feel better, he's refusing to eat unless someone else coaxes him into it. Last night she pissed both of us off to hell. I already talked about that, I think. Same thing this morning. And she says we refuse to learn from our 'mistakes'.

I set up an Open Diary for Sam and an AIM. I get home from errands just now and he says "I made a blog, too." This really ticked me off. There is a reason I set up the Open Diary. More kids his age, more to do. Nothing for him to do here. I shouldn't have given him anything. Kids are a hell of an annoyance on the friggin internet.

We're about to have lox and bagels and good cream cheese spreads, so I'm excited. I can't wait to eat. I'm starving. This morning, I woke up and felt dizzy, which most likely means my blood pressure is too low. That happens occasionally, but not enough to get off the pills completely. My Uncle, Bobby (my Dad's older brother) is really into natural remedies and things, and he told us about a specific herb that I don't know the name of right now that naturally cures high blood pressure. If it works for me, I'm definitely going off the pills. I'm sick of medicine. I'd rather just consume a plant.

Oh yay. My linens for school just arrived! I'm going to have to check them out in a few minutes. By the way, my wisdom teeth extraction is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10am. *Shudders profusely* Hopefully I'll be ok with the anesthetic, etc.

Before I forget, I have to fill you in on what actually went wrong with Noah. He didn't actually have a stomach virus, or any virus at all, in fact. What happened was the needle that delivers the insulin to his body from the insulin pump bent going in. Now, you can't tell this from the outside, because it's in his body and the patch on the outside looks normal. The only way to detect this is high blood sugar and high ketones. If the glucose is over 250 and you take correctice insulin and it still remains as high or gets higher after an hour, you have to switch the set because the needle is bent and not delivering insulin at all. So basically what happened was he wasn't getting any insulin for about 13 hours (from the time he switched the set until the morning when he got sick...since we didn't know about the set we kept it in and it ended up going on for 3 days).

The sets are supposed to be switched every three days, which would have happened, but by this time it was too late, because a couple of hours is more than awful and he went for 3 days. Also, not one doctor or nurse thought of this. Even though he had no signs of fever or virul/bacterial illness whatsoever. The MiniMed/MedTronic trainer thought of it as soon as she saw him. After her help, he began to get better. So much for med school, etc etc.

Our doctor, also, Dr. Bode, who was on a couple of days vacation during all of this (and hasn't seen him at all) got really pissed because his hospital refused to admit Noah. Now he's busy reprimanding the hospital and all of his affiliates about it.

I think that's all on this subject. Time for some lox and bagels.

End of the Saga

Noah came home today!! We went to visit him this morning. Dad knocked on my door and I flew out of this dead sleep like no other. Then I went into Sam's room and moaned: "It's too early" and flopped face-down on Noah's bed. After that, I went back in my room and pretended to sleep for another twenty minutes. We went to the hospital and Noah was almost back to normal, but still pissy. "Go away! I hate people hanging over me all the time." Moan Moan Moan. So I went on the couch in the room and took a nap.

Soon after, Noah's lunch came. Chicken and a bunch of stuff. He ate literally two bites and went back to sleep. Then friggin Mom wouldn't let me have any carrots even when Noah said I could because he doesn't like them. The ol' torcher Tali routine because she can strikes again.

Anyway, we went home and ate. Earlier, before we left for the hospital visit I thought I'd try eating breakfast for once. Bad idea. As usual. Worst stomach ache ever. So by the time we got home from the hospital I was starving. Then when went to K-Mart and tried making my picture in one of those dating booth picture machines. They came out so badly. There was no ink in them and I looked like a mutated cow as usual. I can't stand how I look. I'm going to get plastic surgery one day and alter myself.

Then, as soon as we're done eating (this is all a little out of order because we went to the K-Mart on the way back) we got a call telling us that Noah was ready to go home, so we left. that's when the whole picture incident happened. So we trudged back off to the hospital and got Noah, only we had to wait for his "paperwork" for about an hour so I took another nap. Finally, we left. Noah is completely back to himself, he's just extremely tired, so he's sleeping now.

He's such a sweetie:-) Yay! I'm so happy he's better!