Another song. If you were listening closely you know who it's for.
I wish you can find all your wonders
I wish you can wind around the time
so it holds you tight
and treats you nicely
I hope you can find somebody who's true
someone who's new to you
for every day you open your eyes
She'll grow your love for you and lie
with you in the moonlight
And if it were all up to me
I'd wish for you to keep your childhood wonders
But even though you knew
that it couldn't last
I know you never quite believed it before
that life's too fast
'til it happened to you
You never quite believed it before
So take your time
Don't rush it
Even though you see the years
stretched on a line
that seems hard to master sometimes
I'm balancing, too
right beside you
And if you ever need anything
Remember the whole world's
in it with you, too
And if it were all up to me
I'd wish for you to keep your childhood wonders
But even though you knew
that it couldn't last
I know you never quite believed it before
that life's too fast
'til it happened to you
I know you never quite believed it before
that life's too fast
So take your time
Don't rush it
Even though you see the years
stretched on a line
that seems hard to master sometimes
Even though you see the years
stretched on a line
that seems hard to master sometimes
Even though you see the years
stretched on a line
that's too hard to master sometimes.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Home
Home is lonely. I'm hanging out with Sam and Noah right now but it's still lonely. They like to sit in my room (or rather in my presence) and read. So the silence fills up the emptiness and becomes even more empty than it was in the first place because everything that's here reminds me of where I'm not, or who I'm not with more like. I can't wait for the summer to be over.
The heat's already oppressive. Late August weather in mid-June. Already over 100. Last night Cher took me to a Dr. John, Neville Brothers, and BB King concert which was amazing. But at 7pm it was still 101 degrees outside and I wondered if my mind weren't already cooked beyond measure or if it was just my imagination that my skin was boiling off. I've decided that it was just my imagination to remedy the horror of what this heat does to us.
The sky is still on the edge between light and dark and it's after 9pm.
I went out walking again today. Noah came with me. Tomorrow I have to start out earlier because the heat gets too intense and I have to stop before I get in all my miles. Ideally, it'll be my 7.5 like it was in May but it'll be hard getting myself up at 5:30 to beat the over-90 mid-mornings. All I can think about is the heat.
It seeps into your brain like water through the cracks, boils out your eyeballs and your hair and your skin. The humidity sticks to your teeth it runs so deep and before you know it it's haunting your dreams, soaking your bed, making the nightmare of the waking day inescapable and all we can do it pray for a winter which never comes. We sigh with relief for a 90-degree cool breeze.
It's why I moved to New England. Unfortunately, I still spend the worst part of the year in the region I sought to escape. So much for freedom. The heat follows me and the air's so thick I suffocate in it as it wraps itself around my mouth and nose and I crumble under that legendary Southern Wrath.
The heat's already oppressive. Late August weather in mid-June. Already over 100. Last night Cher took me to a Dr. John, Neville Brothers, and BB King concert which was amazing. But at 7pm it was still 101 degrees outside and I wondered if my mind weren't already cooked beyond measure or if it was just my imagination that my skin was boiling off. I've decided that it was just my imagination to remedy the horror of what this heat does to us.
The sky is still on the edge between light and dark and it's after 9pm.
I went out walking again today. Noah came with me. Tomorrow I have to start out earlier because the heat gets too intense and I have to stop before I get in all my miles. Ideally, it'll be my 7.5 like it was in May but it'll be hard getting myself up at 5:30 to beat the over-90 mid-mornings. All I can think about is the heat.
It seeps into your brain like water through the cracks, boils out your eyeballs and your hair and your skin. The humidity sticks to your teeth it runs so deep and before you know it it's haunting your dreams, soaking your bed, making the nightmare of the waking day inescapable and all we can do it pray for a winter which never comes. We sigh with relief for a 90-degree cool breeze.
It's why I moved to New England. Unfortunately, I still spend the worst part of the year in the region I sought to escape. So much for freedom. The heat follows me and the air's so thick I suffocate in it as it wraps itself around my mouth and nose and I crumble under that legendary Southern Wrath.
Ithaca In Parts
I like it when the air grows thick with summer heat, so tangible I can feel it lacing through my fingers. I like the feeling of earth and cement pressed only as much as the pressure it takes to hold my body to the planet against my bare feet. I like the world just before a storm because the electricity is visible in ever micrometer of space between the air and the trees and the cars, between the buildings, and all the skin that wishes to free itself from bone. Sometimes I think that electricity is all that's left of us after we've given up on actually living life. Sometimes I think that electricity is all we can do to hope, all we can do to sustain our souls inside this itching skin when all parts of ourselves are constantly trying to break free. Maybe it's to find something glorious, something spectacular. No, not glorious or spectacular. We don't need that. All we need is simplicity, the unstoppable joy that can only be attained by finding the important things. I guess everyone's definition of that is different. For me 'important' means a kind of liquidation of the mundane. Like taxes or what brand is more fad today than the next, or all the things we think we need to survive. 'Important' is a single moment, a moment where you can look at something opaque like Time and see right through it. 'Important' is the second before you wake up, when all your drams are actual and not hard to remember once you open your eyes again. 'Important' isn't what you find on the other side. It's what you find at the beginning and in the middle and at the end. It's what you realize you had all along. 'Important' is perspective.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Wanderers
"Not all who wander are lost."
We're wandering, I suppose. Usually I feel most comfortable when I wander, because there is no longer one place for me.
When I write, I wander but I never know what towards. None of that matters, I don't think, when speaking of direction. When all is said and done, we'll all end up where we're supposed to be whether we believe so or not.
Although I know the world is ever-changing, I hold fast to the hope tha some things will reamin relatively the same, that people will continue to read, in particular. A few will if not many, and I sincerely trust that it will never be completely lost. I can assume this because more people will read then write and millions of people write. So maybe there is some hope for me and my dream profession.
We're wandering, I suppose. Usually I feel most comfortable when I wander, because there is no longer one place for me.
When I write, I wander but I never know what towards. None of that matters, I don't think, when speaking of direction. When all is said and done, we'll all end up where we're supposed to be whether we believe so or not.
Although I know the world is ever-changing, I hold fast to the hope tha some things will reamin relatively the same, that people will continue to read, in particular. A few will if not many, and I sincerely trust that it will never be completely lost. I can assume this because more people will read then write and millions of people write. So maybe there is some hope for me and my dream profession.
Road to Infamy
To preface...this is Kat's song that I promised. I wrote it as soon as I got to James's house, or pretty soon after. He sat in the room watching me and I guess that's a good sign. I used to not be able to write a thing when it comes to music unless I was alone in the room, but lately that's been changing.
This song is about a ghost who keeps haunting someone's mind, but the dreamer rather likes the illusion of the ghost being alive for a few moments, although they know it will all be over as soon as they wake up.
Wish I could turn off your mind
reading mine
But you wander instead
inside my head
Like a mad infestation of
cruel infatuation
while I bleed on the bed.
My resistance is breaking
And your persistance is shaking
I'm sure I'm Mercy bound
but I hit the ground
Did you hear that sound?
I killed you once
Like a tiger on the hunt
But mercy I drowned
and you were found
and in the end you still
roamed in me
Wish I could turn off your mind
reading mine
But you wander instead
inside my head
I'm sure I'm Mercy bound
but I hit the ground
Did you hear that sound?
Did you hear that sound?
Did you hear that sound?
Did you hear that sound?
This song is about a ghost who keeps haunting someone's mind, but the dreamer rather likes the illusion of the ghost being alive for a few moments, although they know it will all be over as soon as they wake up.
Wish I could turn off your mind
reading mine
But you wander instead
inside my head
Like a mad infestation of
cruel infatuation
while I bleed on the bed.
My resistance is breaking
And your persistance is shaking
I'm sure I'm Mercy bound
but I hit the ground
Did you hear that sound?
I killed you once
Like a tiger on the hunt
But mercy I drowned
and you were found
and in the end you still
roamed in me
Wish I could turn off your mind
reading mine
But you wander instead
inside my head
I'm sure I'm Mercy bound
but I hit the ground
Did you hear that sound?
Did you hear that sound?
Did you hear that sound?
Did you hear that sound?
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
Voice From the Past
Sometimes you find a gem from a long time ago and remember who you were and realize that people (especially yourself) never change. Here's something to look after:
November 23, 2001
Dear Avi Marie,
The world is all a gray gloom. I realized that my unhappiness has its roots in the happy past. Dylan is gone; my mother is right, he doesn't care about anything but his own opportunity. He might as well be dead.
Samantha. Who she was, she is the one my heart used to love, the Sam of the past, not the Sam of the present.
So I have let them go. Cut the string, untied the knot, shattered the dream of "could."
Now. There is Now. For the "Now" of the past six years, all the worl dhas killed me, shunned me, burned my heart out with some invisible, corrosive potion. Forget the future. There is now. Forget the past. There is now. Forget the world. There is the dream. Lose myhself to worlds and worlds upon worlds and worlds. Go far across the canyonto the other side of life. Take that one crucial step towards happiness for myself, take it or leave it? Take it:
The advantage is mine, it's
where the friends are, it's
where the light is.
Take it:
Break your father's heart.
Break your mother's heart.
Leave those two small boys crying for you in the dust.
Should I leap at this chance to go away to school and be happy, be with my friends? Should I leap at this chance for Myself and shatter the hearts of the family I want to get away from? All except my father. How could I even dream of leaving him? Perhaps it's the only way.
When all hope is gone. All roads lay before me and I look down on them from the crossroads. One step on one of them obliterates, closes off the others. I know which one I'll choose. The one I've always chosen because it's me.
Happiness is on a lease and that lease just ran out. All the windows to all the worlds call out to me, I'll find you! That one man in all of them, will you ever find me? You're probably shut out forever, never to meet me. I've already met you, but you live in another world, a book, a you haven't met me and never shall.
I know Aldebaran, but he is me, inside me, never to emerge. Perhapd it's true.
There really is just one world that spends its time dreaming of others.
-Tali
I was dreaming of him then. I was dreaming of him for years before then. But I finally had the guts to write it and voice it just once. The second I finally lost all hope, practically, was the second the world finally let go and made the most wanted of wishes and the most sought after of dreams come true. Never doubt it. An answer is always just around the corner.
November 23, 2001
Dear Avi Marie,
The world is all a gray gloom. I realized that my unhappiness has its roots in the happy past. Dylan is gone; my mother is right, he doesn't care about anything but his own opportunity. He might as well be dead.
Samantha. Who she was, she is the one my heart used to love, the Sam of the past, not the Sam of the present.
So I have let them go. Cut the string, untied the knot, shattered the dream of "could."
Now. There is Now. For the "Now" of the past six years, all the worl dhas killed me, shunned me, burned my heart out with some invisible, corrosive potion. Forget the future. There is now. Forget the past. There is now. Forget the world. There is the dream. Lose myhself to worlds and worlds upon worlds and worlds. Go far across the canyonto the other side of life. Take that one crucial step towards happiness for myself, take it or leave it? Take it:
The advantage is mine, it's
where the friends are, it's
where the light is.
Take it:
Break your father's heart.
Break your mother's heart.
Leave those two small boys crying for you in the dust.
Should I leap at this chance to go away to school and be happy, be with my friends? Should I leap at this chance for Myself and shatter the hearts of the family I want to get away from? All except my father. How could I even dream of leaving him? Perhaps it's the only way.
When all hope is gone. All roads lay before me and I look down on them from the crossroads. One step on one of them obliterates, closes off the others. I know which one I'll choose. The one I've always chosen because it's me.
Happiness is on a lease and that lease just ran out. All the windows to all the worlds call out to me, I'll find you! That one man in all of them, will you ever find me? You're probably shut out forever, never to meet me. I've already met you, but you live in another world, a book, a you haven't met me and never shall.
I know Aldebaran, but he is me, inside me, never to emerge. Perhapd it's true.
There really is just one world that spends its time dreaming of others.
-Tali
I was dreaming of him then. I was dreaming of him for years before then. But I finally had the guts to write it and voice it just once. The second I finally lost all hope, practically, was the second the world finally let go and made the most wanted of wishes and the most sought after of dreams come true. Never doubt it. An answer is always just around the corner.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Idea reincarnated from awhile ago:
Girl feels misplaced in time so she goes to sleep one night and wakes up in the past. . . . where she meets her father as a teenager and he go nuts about her. (plot thickens) she has to avoid that but gets to know him on a completely different level. (this is why I abandoned it because it seems kind of Back-To-The-Future-y.) She meets a creepy old woman who knows all about her travels in time and how to get her back through some weird trance-psychic thing. Anyhow, she tells him not to look for her, as in not to search her out, to find someone else and fall in love, etc etc but she's definitely afraid of the grandfather paradox. She goes back. Story focuses on her father and meeting her mother and then when she's born he names her after herself (or in his mind, his long lost love) blah blah blah. How cheezy. I know.
Girl feels misplaced in time so she goes to sleep one night and wakes up in the past. . . . where she meets her father as a teenager and he go nuts about her. (plot thickens) she has to avoid that but gets to know him on a completely different level. (this is why I abandoned it because it seems kind of Back-To-The-Future-y.) She meets a creepy old woman who knows all about her travels in time and how to get her back through some weird trance-psychic thing. Anyhow, she tells him not to look for her, as in not to search her out, to find someone else and fall in love, etc etc but she's definitely afraid of the grandfather paradox. She goes back. Story focuses on her father and meeting her mother and then when she's born he names her after herself (or in his mind, his long lost love) blah blah blah. How cheezy. I know.
Today is a multiple anniversary.
1. My mother's birthday
2. I finished In Pursuit of Wind a year ago
It's also the day after Kat Flynn left to go home, but I probably won't remember this date for that one a year from now, and I'll just say "sometime at the very beginning of June."
Yesterday was also pretty good, sans Kat leaving. :-( (Which made me really really sad because she's the most awesome person and makes me happy.) Shawn Woodbury called me out of the blue to tell me all about how he's an awful friend etc etc for not calling me all this time or making any effort at contact. We talked for a bit (probably 20 minutes or so) and then his phone died on us and that was that.
I'm supposed to see Kelly Long today but I had forgotten that it's Mom's birthday, so I might reschedule for Saturday or something...not so sure, but hopefully. And I get to see David Thomas on Monday and meet his family!! I can't wait to meet Kelly (his wife) and little Holden (his baby), affectionately named after Holden Caulfield of Catcher in the Rye. I've been really worried about Kelly Long, though. She's sick with some unknown-abdominal/intestinatl-something that no one can figure out to save their lives. So she's retaining water in her abdomen and looks like she's eight months pregnant, apparently and is always in massive pain. She told me that she decided the other that it's ridiculous to let it rule her and sit in bed wasting her life away, so she's going to ignore it all and live as normally as possible. Which I think is great.
Around 12:00 last night my house phone rang and woke up my parents, but it was Mark, inadvertently calling that phone because he thought it was my cell and didn't look. His friend died early yesterday morning and he's in Florida right now saying goodbye to his grandmother for the last time and I really feel quite inadequate because I can't be there for him when he really needs me. I told him this and he said that just hearing my voice on the phone is enough. Maybe for him. Not for me. But I suppose I'm never good enough for myself.
I still have vertigo after almost a week, but it's going away after a few seconds as opposed to lasting for hours at a time and making me absolutely sick. It seems tht all my health problems happen at home for the most part. Joy. I love stress.
Anyhow, the good news is, I'm leaving for the northeast on Wednesday (the bad news being I actually have to clean my room before then) and going to the wedding for Robbie, then visiting Carolyn for a few days and then seeing James (which makes my world). So, that sounds great.
George is still here and a little down lately over another unknown-something-let's-figure-it-out. But I don't think he's having much luck. But he doesn't like talking so I don't really press about it. I guess that's the one bad thing other than the wedding next week...George is leaving and I won't see him for a while. :-( I hate leaving friends. But it's always what happens so I adjust to loneliness and hide in words, my own, or everyone else's again.
1. My mother's birthday
2. I finished In Pursuit of Wind a year ago
It's also the day after Kat Flynn left to go home, but I probably won't remember this date for that one a year from now, and I'll just say "sometime at the very beginning of June."
Yesterday was also pretty good, sans Kat leaving. :-( (Which made me really really sad because she's the most awesome person and makes me happy.) Shawn Woodbury called me out of the blue to tell me all about how he's an awful friend etc etc for not calling me all this time or making any effort at contact. We talked for a bit (probably 20 minutes or so) and then his phone died on us and that was that.
I'm supposed to see Kelly Long today but I had forgotten that it's Mom's birthday, so I might reschedule for Saturday or something...not so sure, but hopefully. And I get to see David Thomas on Monday and meet his family!! I can't wait to meet Kelly (his wife) and little Holden (his baby), affectionately named after Holden Caulfield of Catcher in the Rye. I've been really worried about Kelly Long, though. She's sick with some unknown-abdominal/intestinatl-something that no one can figure out to save their lives. So she's retaining water in her abdomen and looks like she's eight months pregnant, apparently and is always in massive pain. She told me that she decided the other that it's ridiculous to let it rule her and sit in bed wasting her life away, so she's going to ignore it all and live as normally as possible. Which I think is great.
Around 12:00 last night my house phone rang and woke up my parents, but it was Mark, inadvertently calling that phone because he thought it was my cell and didn't look. His friend died early yesterday morning and he's in Florida right now saying goodbye to his grandmother for the last time and I really feel quite inadequate because I can't be there for him when he really needs me. I told him this and he said that just hearing my voice on the phone is enough. Maybe for him. Not for me. But I suppose I'm never good enough for myself.
I still have vertigo after almost a week, but it's going away after a few seconds as opposed to lasting for hours at a time and making me absolutely sick. It seems tht all my health problems happen at home for the most part. Joy. I love stress.
Anyhow, the good news is, I'm leaving for the northeast on Wednesday (the bad news being I actually have to clean my room before then) and going to the wedding for Robbie, then visiting Carolyn for a few days and then seeing James (which makes my world). So, that sounds great.
George is still here and a little down lately over another unknown-something-let's-figure-it-out. But I don't think he's having much luck. But he doesn't like talking so I don't really press about it. I guess that's the one bad thing other than the wedding next week...George is leaving and I won't see him for a while. :-( I hate leaving friends. But it's always what happens so I adjust to loneliness and hide in words, my own, or everyone else's again.
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