Thought a lot about making us over
Thought a lot about what that means
I remembered us in the clover
And I acknowledged that it's only a dream
Now my provocation's winning
I'm thinking about your hands
running over, learning the patterns of my skin
But the night ends early
So we never begin
I want to feel you whole upon me
learning the ins and outs of
who I was, who I am, and who I wanna be
I want that mutual feeling
But I'm dealing with a man who just
can't makes sense of what he's all about
But I think it helps that there's an angel above me
But I think it helps that there's an angel beside me
I think it helps that thee's an angel inside me
I'll send him with love from me to you
Really, I'm tired of sleeping alone
I'm tired of sleeping alone
So I'm going crazy in the moment
For your patience and your time
And now I want to feel you inside me
The way you'll discover me as you climb
I need that holding-me assurance
'Cause feigning innocence is getting old
and the winter's coming on
You're my resting place, my secret
And I think it helps that there's an angel above me
I think it helps that there's an angel beside me
I think it helps that there's an angel inside me
I think it helps that there's an angel above me
I think it helps that there's an angel beside me
I think it helps that there's an angel inside me
He was there the first time when our bodies didn't rhyme
But now emotion's in the potion and my provocation's winning
I'm thinking about your hands
running over, learning the patterns of my skin
But the night ends early
and we never begin
We never begin
We never begin
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Lucid Dream
Lone footsteps echoed across the spreading marble of the spacious hall. The light was dim and reminded the girl of flickering candle light, but the constant glow of a full, silvery moon loomed greater in the back of her mind. She laughed softly to herself, amused by the fact that her internal eye set the mood of her external being.
But then she remembered that it was all internal tonight, so she supposed she'd open both sets of eyes and stop thinking too much.
A voice approached from behind, so the girl turned to see a friend coming towards her, followed by many more. She smiled in greeting and felt the relief of companionship wash over her and as it did, she forgot the moon and the flichering candle light as the room filled with light.
The girl looked around admiringly at the milling companions, then turned toward the door and busied herself with hanging the coats.
When the coats were hung, the girl paused before opening the door and returning to the room. There was no more light coming from under the door. She crossed her arms and shivered, then reached out tentatively and pulled upon the door.
Darkness met her when she entered the room, adulterated only by the external light of the moon.
She shuddered again and hit something that seemed to be drifting in mid-air and thought how quickly things change.
Her eyes focused and the room became clear to her sight. The floor had been reversed and where feet had once touched bottom, they now hung from the top.
Nothing floated in the air but the absence of life.
The girl looked upon rows and rows of black-garbed bodies hanging sack-like from their feet from the ceiling. They seemd to swing together, in rhythm with the time they'd lost, like a waltz that no one more could play.
How quickly things change, the girl thought. How quickly things end.
She wove her way through the rows of swaying sacks of bodies, running blindly--
Until she found herself on the water.
It was the shore, waves inky black in the blinding sun. From the waves protruded a mermaid who beckoned to the girl.
Come! Follow me, she said. There are revelations beneath the water.
The girl took her hand and let herself be led below to a world of eery light. Seaweed caught between her limbs.
Soon they came to a cavern.
A muse, said the mermaid, a seer, to make things clearer for you.
Around the table made of a flat rock protruding from the ocean floor sat the muse, the seer, garbed in seaweed and darkness. Three friends sat in rock seats beside her.
They were the bodies swaying, the girl thought. Are they back from the dead?
The friends motioned for her, their smiles eerily inviting.
The muse nodded her head to the mermaid and she turned, exiting the cavern.
To the first friend she said: You will be promised good fortune, so there is no worry for you.
To the second friend: The sky will never fall on you, but beware of the ground rising up.
To the third: Keep to the path you are on and you will find that which you seek.
Then all faces turned to the girl who felt a shudder begin deep inside her.
The seer leaned forward so the girl could see every vein of her eyes.
Aah, the seer breathed. You are the unfortunate one. For you are trapped inside yourself. This is your Fate for you are too scared to change it: All that you wish for and all that you seek will never be attained. yo uare too content with dreaming and it is the World you cannot grasp. Foolish girl. You are the only one here for whom Fate is a choice and you choose Misery instead of bliss! I have no pity for you.
The girl shrank back and saw the bodies swaying behind her eyes. She swayed in time with them, her feet bound together in death by stubborn time just as her soul was fettered in life by cowardice.
She opened her eyes and the bed was warm.
It had been nothing but a silly notion, and nothing but a dream.
But then she remembered that it was all internal tonight, so she supposed she'd open both sets of eyes and stop thinking too much.
A voice approached from behind, so the girl turned to see a friend coming towards her, followed by many more. She smiled in greeting and felt the relief of companionship wash over her and as it did, she forgot the moon and the flichering candle light as the room filled with light.
The girl looked around admiringly at the milling companions, then turned toward the door and busied herself with hanging the coats.
When the coats were hung, the girl paused before opening the door and returning to the room. There was no more light coming from under the door. She crossed her arms and shivered, then reached out tentatively and pulled upon the door.
Darkness met her when she entered the room, adulterated only by the external light of the moon.
She shuddered again and hit something that seemed to be drifting in mid-air and thought how quickly things change.
Her eyes focused and the room became clear to her sight. The floor had been reversed and where feet had once touched bottom, they now hung from the top.
Nothing floated in the air but the absence of life.
The girl looked upon rows and rows of black-garbed bodies hanging sack-like from their feet from the ceiling. They seemd to swing together, in rhythm with the time they'd lost, like a waltz that no one more could play.
How quickly things change, the girl thought. How quickly things end.
She wove her way through the rows of swaying sacks of bodies, running blindly--
Until she found herself on the water.
It was the shore, waves inky black in the blinding sun. From the waves protruded a mermaid who beckoned to the girl.
Come! Follow me, she said. There are revelations beneath the water.
The girl took her hand and let herself be led below to a world of eery light. Seaweed caught between her limbs.
Soon they came to a cavern.
A muse, said the mermaid, a seer, to make things clearer for you.
Around the table made of a flat rock protruding from the ocean floor sat the muse, the seer, garbed in seaweed and darkness. Three friends sat in rock seats beside her.
They were the bodies swaying, the girl thought. Are they back from the dead?
The friends motioned for her, their smiles eerily inviting.
The muse nodded her head to the mermaid and she turned, exiting the cavern.
To the first friend she said: You will be promised good fortune, so there is no worry for you.
To the second friend: The sky will never fall on you, but beware of the ground rising up.
To the third: Keep to the path you are on and you will find that which you seek.
Then all faces turned to the girl who felt a shudder begin deep inside her.
The seer leaned forward so the girl could see every vein of her eyes.
Aah, the seer breathed. You are the unfortunate one. For you are trapped inside yourself. This is your Fate for you are too scared to change it: All that you wish for and all that you seek will never be attained. yo uare too content with dreaming and it is the World you cannot grasp. Foolish girl. You are the only one here for whom Fate is a choice and you choose Misery instead of bliss! I have no pity for you.
The girl shrank back and saw the bodies swaying behind her eyes. She swayed in time with them, her feet bound together in death by stubborn time just as her soul was fettered in life by cowardice.
She opened her eyes and the bed was warm.
It had been nothing but a silly notion, and nothing but a dream.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Unsent
I really don’t know what to do right now. Of course, my first instinct would be to say I’m sorry. But I’m really sick of saying that. I guess I just don’t know what to do with any of this because I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why this isn’t ending or why you don’t want it to or why you care so much. And I know that none of that matters because what this is is good. It’s really good. But I don’t know how to react to “good” because it’s what I’ve always longed for but never had and now that it’s here…I’m drowning in it.
So you’re right. I think too much. I take the world too seriously. But you don’t let me take it as seriously as I normally would, and that’s good, too. I really don’t know why I’m always mad at you lately. I don’t want to be. But I meant it when I said I hated you, only not in the hostile kind of way. It’s the way you make me reevaluate everything I’ve believed I am. I call into question everything—Everything. And all around me are things that you can’t see, that no one else can see and I ask them to fly away so I don’t have to look after them anymore because I know you don’t want it to be like that. I know it hurts you when I slip between the lines of this world and the one inside my head. To give that up means giving up something very precious to me, something I’ve never lived without, something that has defined me as a person, that has saved my sanity while stealing it away.
But for you, I’d give up all those words. I’d give up all those worlds and focus only on this one. I don’t understand that, either, but like I said before, whatever this is, whatever it is that I don’t understand that causes all these changes and upheavals, is something to do completely with you and I don’t want to lose it. I don’t want to lose it although my whole being struggles against it. And I never admit anything to myself. Especially things that confuse me and rewrite the code of my life, but this time the feeling’s too strong and time really is precious and flying by and I don’t want to waste it, although that’s all I ever seem to do. So I admit this: what makes me happy? You do. You make me happier than anything ever has. You make me happier than I’ve ever thought possible, more than I ever imagined possible. You do.
What do I do with that? Instinct says to run away. But the greater picture says something better. It says ‘stay.’ It tells me to stay. And I like that picture better than any other. I love that picture more than anything else. So do I hang it on a wall? Do I put it on a shelf and lock it up? Or do I live it? I want to live it. I want to live it. Because I keep asking myself that same question again and again about what makes me happy and the answer keeps coming back as you you you.
Monday, October 09, 2006
"I'm sorry...I get like this when the family's around. It just gets me in this mindset," I said. (Long pause) "I have to get out of it...And I feel bad because I hate being like this and making you go through it too."
"Someone has to go through it."
"Not you. I have to go through it."
"So?"
"Do you do it because you feel bad for me going through it alone or because you care about it?"
"Care about what?"
"Me."
"YES."
"Sorry."
"Maybe you should keep doubting so you can be grounded in something. It's healthier for you that way. So keep doubting all of this."
I give him a look. He gives it back to me.
"If you ask stupid questions, I'll give you stupid answers."
He stands up and I stay in my seat.
"Come on," he says.
So I follow him.
"Someone has to go through it."
"Not you. I have to go through it."
"So?"
"Do you do it because you feel bad for me going through it alone or because you care about it?"
"Care about what?"
"Me."
"YES."
"Sorry."
"Maybe you should keep doubting so you can be grounded in something. It's healthier for you that way. So keep doubting all of this."
I give him a look. He gives it back to me.
"If you ask stupid questions, I'll give you stupid answers."
He stands up and I stay in my seat.
"Come on," he says.
So I follow him.
A few days away is a good thing. No more fighting. No animosity. No awkwardness.
Hung out with Kate and Adam at Kat's house last night and played Scrabble until I got 42 points for the word DAZE on a triple word score. James still beat me by eleven points or something. Oh well. I'm still proud of DAZE. Then Kate got drunk on Time, I suppose, because she'd been up so long so she and Adam left and James and Kat and I talked until about 1am. Then I was falling asleep so we left and said good-bye to Kat and James walked me home. The moon last night was incredible when it was low on the horizon. Huge, orange. Beautiful.
Just took a shower. Good to wash away the filth of New York City and all that baggage. Family isn't healthy for me so I'm going to stay away for as long as possible. I'll come home for the B'nai Mitzvah in February. But Kat asked me to come to Florida and stay with her over winter break. I'm going to try and sublet an apartment here for the summer and get a job and/or internship which should be good.
Family just reminds me of the past and plants the past right down in front of me with the past uprooted, spraying dirt all over my head. It's the kind of dirt that never really goes away so I can't escape no matter how much I try to scrub. So I got back and had another episode. Uriel was there but Kat and James took me away and talked to me so I could look away from him. Then I started doubting if they're my friends because they feel bad for me or if they really care. Of course they'll never tell the truth if it's the former. That means I have to trust them and I will.
I'm sorry I'm becoming a ghost to you now by spreading the distance and time. But if I don't I'll become a ghost for real and I'm not ready to give up any of this world quite yet.
Hung out with Kate and Adam at Kat's house last night and played Scrabble until I got 42 points for the word DAZE on a triple word score. James still beat me by eleven points or something. Oh well. I'm still proud of DAZE. Then Kate got drunk on Time, I suppose, because she'd been up so long so she and Adam left and James and Kat and I talked until about 1am. Then I was falling asleep so we left and said good-bye to Kat and James walked me home. The moon last night was incredible when it was low on the horizon. Huge, orange. Beautiful.
Just took a shower. Good to wash away the filth of New York City and all that baggage. Family isn't healthy for me so I'm going to stay away for as long as possible. I'll come home for the B'nai Mitzvah in February. But Kat asked me to come to Florida and stay with her over winter break. I'm going to try and sublet an apartment here for the summer and get a job and/or internship which should be good.
Family just reminds me of the past and plants the past right down in front of me with the past uprooted, spraying dirt all over my head. It's the kind of dirt that never really goes away so I can't escape no matter how much I try to scrub. So I got back and had another episode. Uriel was there but Kat and James took me away and talked to me so I could look away from him. Then I started doubting if they're my friends because they feel bad for me or if they really care. Of course they'll never tell the truth if it's the former. That means I have to trust them and I will.
I'm sorry I'm becoming a ghost to you now by spreading the distance and time. But if I don't I'll become a ghost for real and I'm not ready to give up any of this world quite yet.
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Perpetual fighting seems to be the menu for now. It's very frustrating and I can't stand it. I suggested a two week break from each other but that was rejected. So I'll do it myself. I did it with Mark. I'm doing it with Anthony that fuck.
James decided he's not coming with me to NY/NJ. Which is fine. It's just the way it happened that ticked me off. All his "let's talk about it" shit doesn't get us anywhere. And why does he continue to work at it when it's so frustrating? I'm so frustrated I can't stand it. Yes, I'm happy. But I'm upset and frustrated. And right now the frustration is winning over everything else.
At least I started that stinking paper for Short Story.
So starting NOW: let's see if I can make it until Wednesday next week. So until break is over.
James decided he's not coming with me to NY/NJ. Which is fine. It's just the way it happened that ticked me off. All his "let's talk about it" shit doesn't get us anywhere. And why does he continue to work at it when it's so frustrating? I'm so frustrated I can't stand it. Yes, I'm happy. But I'm upset and frustrated. And right now the frustration is winning over everything else.
At least I started that stinking paper for Short Story.
So starting NOW: let's see if I can make it until Wednesday next week. So until break is over.
A minute left and I'd still be smiling.
If you wait long enough, wishes really do come true. They come so true all doubt vanishes and you're left with nothing but that absolutely unadulterated bliss.
I never really believed that this could happen. That there really is someone out there for everyone that's a perfect fit. And maybe that's not even it. Maybe it's more I never really believed there was someone out there who was a perfect fit for me. And perfection isn't necessarily perfect, but the way you work towards it in every moment because whatever you have is too wonderful to ever let go.
For the first time in my life, I really trust something. I trust it more than anything. I would give up everything for it. Everything. I can turn off the words because they're too selfish for this. I can lower the volume on the voices because they're too loud for this and I can't stand it when I'm the cause of greatest horror or absolute grief in this case. Because they circle around and hit me with more guilt than ever so I STOP. I STOP.
Turn in a new direction and it's beautiful. Whatever this is, it's beautiful. Like the perfect bond. That indestructable bond. That's beautiful. And you know I live for beauty. You know I live for those brief instances of beauty that make up for all the pain. Only this moment, this instant isn't a moment or an instant. It's always. And I can hardly contain it. I don't know what to do with it.
Smile and nod and go with it. Because I can't run away. And I don't want to anymore. I can't entice myself to run away. So I radiate and I stay. And I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I know I'm part of something beautiful. Because it's not just that I'm making someone smile for a moment. I'm changing them. I'm making them happy, too, in the same way they're making me.
If you wait long enough, wishes really do come true. They come so true all doubt vanishes and you're left with nothing but that absolutely unadulterated bliss.
I never really believed that this could happen. That there really is someone out there for everyone that's a perfect fit. And maybe that's not even it. Maybe it's more I never really believed there was someone out there who was a perfect fit for me. And perfection isn't necessarily perfect, but the way you work towards it in every moment because whatever you have is too wonderful to ever let go.
For the first time in my life, I really trust something. I trust it more than anything. I would give up everything for it. Everything. I can turn off the words because they're too selfish for this. I can lower the volume on the voices because they're too loud for this and I can't stand it when I'm the cause of greatest horror or absolute grief in this case. Because they circle around and hit me with more guilt than ever so I STOP. I STOP.
Turn in a new direction and it's beautiful. Whatever this is, it's beautiful. Like the perfect bond. That indestructable bond. That's beautiful. And you know I live for beauty. You know I live for those brief instances of beauty that make up for all the pain. Only this moment, this instant isn't a moment or an instant. It's always. And I can hardly contain it. I don't know what to do with it.
Smile and nod and go with it. Because I can't run away. And I don't want to anymore. I can't entice myself to run away. So I radiate and I stay. And I look in the mirror and for the first time in my life I know I'm part of something beautiful. Because it's not just that I'm making someone smile for a moment. I'm changing them. I'm making them happy, too, in the same way they're making me.
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