So yesterday was an interesting day. I recorded for about four hours and got four more songs done. Twelve takes of "Only in America" and still no cut. That sucks.
After that, I saw Steve for the first time since May or something ridiculous like that. We escaped my house and went to this place I've never heard of called Paradise Grill and I got chicken wings. Then we returned to my house and attended one of my family's crazyness dinners.
I showed him my songs and he liked them a lot. Around 10:00 Mark showed up. Soon after that, Steve departed, since he was tired and had been here for about six hours.
Mark dragged me to Starbucks as usual and made me get something, so I got this disgusting tea that I didn't drink. Amazingly, we didn't run into anyone we knew at all. After that, we decided to go to the park, so we went back to my house to pick up my coat and cell phone.
The park was great! We went on the swings and discussed romantic experiences because he didn't think that I was the swinging type because it seems like the kind of thing I would be too scared of (due to heights). I also got pushed on the swings for the first time since I'm about six. That was awesome! It feels really good to be pushed. I'd forgotten, but as soon as he started, I remembered.
We went on slides and that was scary and somehow he got me to sit on top of this scary, high, slippery thing on top of the slide. After that, we went stargazing for a while and that was nice for me because I hardly ever get to anymore.
When we were leaving, two police cars showed up and we ran for it and Mark had a seizure over it. He's crazy about cops. It was SO funny. My coat got caught in the door and then he had to stop eventually to let it out and close the door. He made a few U-turns to get away from the police and we eventually ended up in Waffle House along with all these scuzzes. So I guess we blended in well, police-wise. We would be the last candidates for illegal activity in that place. Full of yutzes.
It was fun. Except he wouldn't come inside afterwards and watch Deliverance with me!
"Return the movie, Tali. I'm NEVER GOING TO WATCH IT!"
The hell he's not. One day....One DAY!!!
Hmmm...That's all I can think of.
Today was boring. I bought my textbooks for school for $150 instead of $500. Isn't that great? YES IT IS. And read more of As a Driven Leaf which is a great book. Aah, how I love heresy and heretics. (And how I'm one of them.) Hung out with my family. That's about it. One of those lazy days.
And a week before everyone leaves and goes back to school, leaving me alone for a week. :-(
I talked to James yesterday, though. He said I speak very eloquently, even online, and that after days of frying his brain on television, our conversation was greatly refreshing. Oh, James. You rock.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
I want to capture the moment. So take myself out of the picture. I can't really do that, I don't think. But all I am is a magnet for some channeled wanton I can't quite make out for the shadows.
People standing in a line, and soon the restlessness sets in so the cigarettes appear and consume the line in a cloud of poison that feels good to some and kills everyone else quickly. They laugh and look off into the distance sometimes, thinking of the familiar in the face of forced cordiality with strangers. The rain sets in. I didn't notice. The rain doesn't fall on me. I've noticed this a lot. The rain won't fall on me. As if a hole in the sky follows me around in order to keep me dry. But I like the rain, so I hold out my hands and the crowd looks at me and thinks I'm crazy.
They turn toward the wall, huddled under the awning. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The times ticks on, moves on but the o'clock we want lags along, won't ever reach us. The world will end before the time comes, won't it? is the general thought among the people of the line. The smoke grows thicker and a man asks if it bothers anyone. One man burns cloves, the others, tobacco. I enjoy the smell of one and choke on both.
The endless waiting. This is how most of the time is spent for us. Endless waiting for pointless trivialities that make the world go 'round. I join the huddle and press myself against the wall. The smoke is gone.
The wall is a window. I stare at myself in the window without realizing it and wonder why she's staring at me. What is it? I ask her but her lips move in time with mine and I realize that it's only me. I turn away.
The line moves. The time has arrived and in no time at all, we're in, we're out. I go back to my room, collapse. There it is. The emptiness trembling in anticipation of being filled up again. It won't come, though. I feel it coming but it won't come. Will it be years? Decades? Please, don't let it be years. Fill it up.
For the meantime, seek refuge. I seek refuge in the inspiration of everyone else. Hide away to find a bit of what you lost and suddenly you're not hidden at all. You're out in the open and the whole world's different but really exactly the same. Fiction binds me and I see the truth in it. Maybe I'll find the lie eventually. I need to find the lie. And then I can see past it all into what has come and gone in recurring waves of cunning, prodding me on along its path.
There it is. I won't search for truth. It tells me nothing. I must find the lie. The lie. Tell me the lie.
Ok, ok. it says. I will tell you the lie.
People standing in a line, and soon the restlessness sets in so the cigarettes appear and consume the line in a cloud of poison that feels good to some and kills everyone else quickly. They laugh and look off into the distance sometimes, thinking of the familiar in the face of forced cordiality with strangers. The rain sets in. I didn't notice. The rain doesn't fall on me. I've noticed this a lot. The rain won't fall on me. As if a hole in the sky follows me around in order to keep me dry. But I like the rain, so I hold out my hands and the crowd looks at me and thinks I'm crazy.
They turn toward the wall, huddled under the awning. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. The times ticks on, moves on but the o'clock we want lags along, won't ever reach us. The world will end before the time comes, won't it? is the general thought among the people of the line. The smoke grows thicker and a man asks if it bothers anyone. One man burns cloves, the others, tobacco. I enjoy the smell of one and choke on both.
The endless waiting. This is how most of the time is spent for us. Endless waiting for pointless trivialities that make the world go 'round. I join the huddle and press myself against the wall. The smoke is gone.
The wall is a window. I stare at myself in the window without realizing it and wonder why she's staring at me. What is it? I ask her but her lips move in time with mine and I realize that it's only me. I turn away.
The line moves. The time has arrived and in no time at all, we're in, we're out. I go back to my room, collapse. There it is. The emptiness trembling in anticipation of being filled up again. It won't come, though. I feel it coming but it won't come. Will it be years? Decades? Please, don't let it be years. Fill it up.
For the meantime, seek refuge. I seek refuge in the inspiration of everyone else. Hide away to find a bit of what you lost and suddenly you're not hidden at all. You're out in the open and the whole world's different but really exactly the same. Fiction binds me and I see the truth in it. Maybe I'll find the lie eventually. I need to find the lie. And then I can see past it all into what has come and gone in recurring waves of cunning, prodding me on along its path.
There it is. I won't search for truth. It tells me nothing. I must find the lie. The lie. Tell me the lie.
Ok, ok. it says. I will tell you the lie.
On the Rebound...possibly?
Fortune caught me crying
Caught me weeping
For those decades long gone
When I wasn't born
I thought I knew about time
gone awry
Now I laugh at my own naivete
I never knew a thing at all
The people look for peace
and the race looks for war
Overpopulation self cleaning job
So we get caught in the mob mentality
Fortune's got us all on the rebound
As our souls fly high and our bodies hit the ground
You better give it up
Before it's too late
Before it's too late
Fall in love with the mirror
But you've already found another
So go down
on the lovers--make them mothers
And cry
til you slam your face in the door
the fists got on
and the hearts hit the floor
Want to change the world
So put on your mask
and go
It's about high time
Fortune's got it coming
for the fathers and the mothers
and the teenaged lovers
and the city's turned to a ghost town
Caught me weeping
For those decades long gone
When I wasn't born
I thought I knew about time
gone awry
Now I laugh at my own naivete
I never knew a thing at all
The people look for peace
and the race looks for war
Overpopulation self cleaning job
So we get caught in the mob mentality
Fortune's got us all on the rebound
As our souls fly high and our bodies hit the ground
You better give it up
Before it's too late
Before it's too late
Fall in love with the mirror
But you've already found another
So go down
on the lovers--make them mothers
And cry
til you slam your face in the door
the fists got on
and the hearts hit the floor
Want to change the world
So put on your mask
and go
It's about high time
Fortune's got it coming
for the fathers and the mothers
and the teenaged lovers
and the city's turned to a ghost town
Search for Ithaca
Everything is pain and everyone knows it. And artists go around finding original ways to convey the same message over and over again. Sometimes they pretend it's all pretty. But the world isn't pretty, was never pretty. Not really. Isn't there anything else to humanity? We're all run out? Or is this the question to ponder forevermore? As it's been foreverpast?
It's not the answers, I think. It's the questions without answers. We find an answer and produce more questions because we're never satisfied with the universe. No matter how big or small. So why can't we just shut up and live? Unfortunately, humans surprise themselves somteimes and prove to have somewhat of a mind by thinking too much.
I don't know. Nothing else seems to care why. Just that. It makes us neither weaker nor stronger, just pointless.
Perhaps I am an existentialist. Would I choose to do it all over again if given the chance? No. I don't think so. Not all over. I'd choose to keep going. To learn more, to discover more. To ask more questions. So I can know more and therefore less. So I can grasp more of how insignificant I am to the universe, how my life means nothing to it all, and therefore, makes it that much more worthwhile because it's only for myself.
So, for ego. That's what it's all about. We live and die for our selfish egos, preaching equality and righteousness, pretending to reach out for it. "For the good of Humanity." We'll never get there. We don't want to. And how could we? To each his own.
It's not the answers, I think. It's the questions without answers. We find an answer and produce more questions because we're never satisfied with the universe. No matter how big or small. So why can't we just shut up and live? Unfortunately, humans surprise themselves somteimes and prove to have somewhat of a mind by thinking too much.
I don't know. Nothing else seems to care why. Just that. It makes us neither weaker nor stronger, just pointless.
Perhaps I am an existentialist. Would I choose to do it all over again if given the chance? No. I don't think so. Not all over. I'd choose to keep going. To learn more, to discover more. To ask more questions. So I can know more and therefore less. So I can grasp more of how insignificant I am to the universe, how my life means nothing to it all, and therefore, makes it that much more worthwhile because it's only for myself.
So, for ego. That's what it's all about. We live and die for our selfish egos, preaching equality and righteousness, pretending to reach out for it. "For the good of Humanity." We'll never get there. We don't want to. And how could we? To each his own.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Current Thought--in debt to Jonathan Larson
"Without You"
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Withoutyou, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the stars roar, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives, colors renew,
but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you.
Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Withoutyou, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the stars roar, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives, colors renew,
but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you.
Monday, December 26, 2005
That bitch. So, if anyone has any spare floor space, tell me and I'm moving in.
Of course everything is my fault as usual. And I'm the worst person in the known world. And the bitchiest brattiest fucker who ever lived. I think I'll go kill myself now because that'll make everyone happier.
And I won't have to take up any floor space.
Oh, and you can cremate me while you're at it. That way I won't take up any space at all.
Of course everything is my fault as usual. And I'm the worst person in the known world. And the bitchiest brattiest fucker who ever lived. I think I'll go kill myself now because that'll make everyone happier.
And I won't have to take up any floor space.
Oh, and you can cremate me while you're at it. That way I won't take up any space at all.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Rising
Love confuses me. I say I don't trust it. I say I never have. Yet I watch as everyone around me falls and falls and find myself wondering what makes it so wonderful. Maybe I already know. I asked my best friend about it yesterday. He didn't know either.
I think I feel it most in a crowd, when the love is most noticeable. And I'm content with only my friends. Right? Right? Yes. It's all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. Yet the other kind of love intrigues me. I stand alone, but I have my friends. So I'm not alone at all. And another friend of mine told me that I have to take a step back from myself and look at it all. "It's crap you don't know what it is. You've been there longer than any of us. And you know it. You've been in love for years and years. You're the only one who can't see it."
So I guess it's true about not knowing yourself at all.
I sing along with myself because there's no one else to sing with anymore. The crowd begins to sing along with me and the movement grows louder and stronger and I get caught up in the art all over again. I'll dislcaim it all.
"Yes, I'm in love, have been in love, will always be in love--with that madness. With those words. With that tune."
But it's a lie. I would have none of it without that other love. And why are we so caught up in being in love in the first place? Isn't just loving enough? And does it make a difference? Recently, someone told me that being in love is just extreme love of a friend. But I don't see a difference. I think I have all I've ever wanted right now. Nothing is missing, except the lack of distance.
Remember?. . . Life's a manipulative kind of guy.
I think I feel it most in a crowd, when the love is most noticeable. And I'm content with only my friends. Right? Right? Yes. It's all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. Yet the other kind of love intrigues me. I stand alone, but I have my friends. So I'm not alone at all. And another friend of mine told me that I have to take a step back from myself and look at it all. "It's crap you don't know what it is. You've been there longer than any of us. And you know it. You've been in love for years and years. You're the only one who can't see it."
So I guess it's true about not knowing yourself at all.
I sing along with myself because there's no one else to sing with anymore. The crowd begins to sing along with me and the movement grows louder and stronger and I get caught up in the art all over again. I'll dislcaim it all.
"Yes, I'm in love, have been in love, will always be in love--with that madness. With those words. With that tune."
But it's a lie. I would have none of it without that other love. And why are we so caught up in being in love in the first place? Isn't just loving enough? And does it make a difference? Recently, someone told me that being in love is just extreme love of a friend. But I don't see a difference. I think I have all I've ever wanted right now. Nothing is missing, except the lack of distance.
Remember?. . . Life's a manipulative kind of guy.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Oh, How I Love Wireless
Wireless internet is the best invention ever. Yes, I'm lying on my bed typing this. Talking to Lindsay and debating whether to watch a movie, keep on chatting, or continue reading My Name is Asher Lev. What do you think?
Hmm...Decisions, decisions.
I saw Lindsay today! It was great, but too short. As usual. I also saw Kienan for the first time in over a year. Which is ridiculous. He had to leave in less than an hour, too, which sucked. Oh well. And I still haven't gotten Katrin back from that redheaded dolt! "I'll call you later." Yeah. Sure.
Aaah. It's all right. I'm not angry. Of course he's going to say that. What else is to be expected of him? The unreliability is the most reliable thing about him, sure to endure for all eternity. (I would have said the most reliable thing is the red hair but unfortunately, hair is wont to fall out and turn white after awhile, so I stuck with his unreliability.)
Anyhow, I guess I'll read a little more of Asher and then go watch the movie.
That's all for now. Can't wait to get out of this house. I can't take it. I'm not meant to live with parents any longer.
Hmm...Decisions, decisions.
I saw Lindsay today! It was great, but too short. As usual. I also saw Kienan for the first time in over a year. Which is ridiculous. He had to leave in less than an hour, too, which sucked. Oh well. And I still haven't gotten Katrin back from that redheaded dolt! "I'll call you later." Yeah. Sure.
Aaah. It's all right. I'm not angry. Of course he's going to say that. What else is to be expected of him? The unreliability is the most reliable thing about him, sure to endure for all eternity. (I would have said the most reliable thing is the red hair but unfortunately, hair is wont to fall out and turn white after awhile, so I stuck with his unreliability.)
Anyhow, I guess I'll read a little more of Asher and then go watch the movie.
That's all for now. Can't wait to get out of this house. I can't take it. I'm not meant to live with parents any longer.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I Bid New Orleans Adieu
Recorded four new songs today. And redid "Blueprints" because I didn't like that awful gag sound at the beginning.
Iquo's home now and sitting across from me. It's nice to have her home with everyone else. Sam is making a cheese sauce for pasta and I'm making pasta. Dad's at the gym, Iquo's making vegetables and Noah's on the computer downstairs.
I finally got the stupid wireless working. Stupid Comcast.
Listening to myself singing "Lakes of Pontchartrain." I love that song. What's weird is that Iquo says my voice sounds totally different she didn't even recognize it. (Singing voice, that is.) I tried calling Lindsay today but she didn't answer and last night she signed off-line a bit depressed, so I couldn't see her today. :-( I'm not doing anything tomorrow as far as I know unless my mother makes me go to work or something. Friday and Saturday I'm seeing Mark for at least one of those days and then Sunday...KATE! I'm seeing KATE! That's exciting. :-D
My parents bought Noah a drum set. Let's see how that goes with Mom. Ugh. Glad I won't be around. She had an explosion over who the fuck knows what today. Now she's being bitchy and making us cater her food up to her in her bedroom "because I'm sick of everyone and their fucking shit" as she put it before in the kitchen and screamed at me for who the fuck knows what reason. I was making her fucking dinner.
I hate being at home. I can't wait to get back to school. And I'll probably move in with Kate if it gets any worse.
Iquo's home now and sitting across from me. It's nice to have her home with everyone else. Sam is making a cheese sauce for pasta and I'm making pasta. Dad's at the gym, Iquo's making vegetables and Noah's on the computer downstairs.
I finally got the stupid wireless working. Stupid Comcast.
Listening to myself singing "Lakes of Pontchartrain." I love that song. What's weird is that Iquo says my voice sounds totally different she didn't even recognize it. (Singing voice, that is.) I tried calling Lindsay today but she didn't answer and last night she signed off-line a bit depressed, so I couldn't see her today. :-( I'm not doing anything tomorrow as far as I know unless my mother makes me go to work or something. Friday and Saturday I'm seeing Mark for at least one of those days and then Sunday...KATE! I'm seeing KATE! That's exciting. :-D
My parents bought Noah a drum set. Let's see how that goes with Mom. Ugh. Glad I won't be around. She had an explosion over who the fuck knows what today. Now she's being bitchy and making us cater her food up to her in her bedroom "because I'm sick of everyone and their fucking shit" as she put it before in the kitchen and screamed at me for who the fuck knows what reason. I was making her fucking dinner.
I hate being at home. I can't wait to get back to school. And I'll probably move in with Kate if it gets any worse.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Remain
I recorded four songs today:
Paul
Extra-Ordinary Piece
Halleluyah Sweet Clementine
Blueprints (Charlie)
They sound...amazing. Incredible. And they're not even mixed properly yet or anything. I have Extra-Ordinary Piece playing on repeat. Because I love it so much. And I can't believe it's me singing. And it sounds soooo good.
There are technical difficulties with Iquo getting home, so I called Mark but he didn't answer and I have a feeling he's not going to because I'm an awful idiot bitch. We'll have to find some way to get her here...I just don't know though.
Hopefully he'll call me back. And hopefully he'll still be around. But I'm not counting on that anymore.
Does anyone have a car? And damn it! He has my Katrin story!
My mind is everywhere now. I have to get off this and not think about it. I never should have gotten a best friend. I should have stayed home that day and died. I should have died.
But here I am. Here I am. Alive. Loving life. And now I'm a selfish artist wasting the space around her. And ruining the people I care about the most.
I should have stayed home.
Paul
Extra-Ordinary Piece
Halleluyah Sweet Clementine
Blueprints (Charlie)
They sound...amazing. Incredible. And they're not even mixed properly yet or anything. I have Extra-Ordinary Piece playing on repeat. Because I love it so much. And I can't believe it's me singing. And it sounds soooo good.
There are technical difficulties with Iquo getting home, so I called Mark but he didn't answer and I have a feeling he's not going to because I'm an awful idiot bitch. We'll have to find some way to get her here...I just don't know though.
Hopefully he'll call me back. And hopefully he'll still be around. But I'm not counting on that anymore.
Does anyone have a car? And damn it! He has my Katrin story!
My mind is everywhere now. I have to get off this and not think about it. I never should have gotten a best friend. I should have stayed home that day and died. I should have died.
But here I am. Here I am. Alive. Loving life. And now I'm a selfish artist wasting the space around her. And ruining the people I care about the most.
I should have stayed home.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Today at Home
So I wake up at 8:30 today and put away all my things. Eventually I discovered that I left my notebook at school! Can you believe that?!? That's RIDICULOUS. Well, I have the new one with me, so I suppose there will be a little glitch in the chronology.
At around 11:45 I get to go haul sticks with my family so they don't have to go to jail over that moronic Cobb County Sanitation bitch.
DETOUR: Sam says "There's this kid named Sami Teeny..hehehe...in my health class...HEHEHE....and in human growth and development he was like getting made fun of because of his name because we were learning about...like...no...during the first day of human growth and development we were learning about like...hehehe...wet dreams and stuff like that...and the coach is like 'so, is anyone having wet dreams?' hehehe *he farts and says 'sorry sorry sorry sorry HAHAHAHAH NO!! don't put that HAHAHAHAHA* and this kid raises his hand the coach is like 'what's your name' and he's like 'Sami Teeny.' and then everyone starts laughing and...hehehehehehehehehe. and we're all laughing about this thing and Sami's like 'what's it's not my fault and my Dad does do weird things...'"
MOVING ON.
So I sang Charlie and If You'd Be. Great. After that someone didn't talk very much. Wonderful. I knew that would happen. People from the congregation loved it. Joyous. "You should play and make a lot of money" etc etc etc. More groupies. *Sigh* I'd like to just be...low key? Lindsay seemed a little spazzed by some of the other acts and there was this Bush satirist friend of my brothers. *Sigh* He actually looks like him. That's really sad. Mark agrees. Said I should tell him that and see if he commits suicide. I said I'd spare myself the guilty trouble.
Then we came home and Lindsay was tired so she went home. Mark decided to go then too. Ugh. After being an hour and a half late! At least he helped with the yard work. Aah. I love him anyway. As usual. And the he bluthered on about me calling him and him calling me so we can see each other again sometime and Lindsay and I were like "WTF is he talking about?" Then I was sad because they both left and here I am (after Sam played clarinet for me a little). We kicked Sam out because of his farting and then Noah made a really mean comment and Sam ran away. I'm done with this now.
Oh, Georgia.
At around 11:45 I get to go haul sticks with my family so they don't have to go to jail over that moronic Cobb County Sanitation bitch.
DETOUR: Sam says "There's this kid named Sami Teeny..hehehe...in my health class...HEHEHE....and in human growth and development he was like getting made fun of because of his name because we were learning about...like...no...during the first day of human growth and development we were learning about like...hehehe...wet dreams and stuff like that...and the coach is like 'so, is anyone having wet dreams?' hehehe *he farts and says 'sorry sorry sorry sorry HAHAHAHAH NO!! don't put that HAHAHAHAHA* and this kid raises his hand the coach is like 'what's your name' and he's like 'Sami Teeny.' and then everyone starts laughing and...hehehehehehehehehe. and we're all laughing about this thing and Sami's like 'what's it's not my fault and my Dad does do weird things...'"
MOVING ON.
So I sang Charlie and If You'd Be. Great. After that someone didn't talk very much. Wonderful. I knew that would happen. People from the congregation loved it. Joyous. "You should play and make a lot of money" etc etc etc. More groupies. *Sigh* I'd like to just be...low key? Lindsay seemed a little spazzed by some of the other acts and there was this Bush satirist friend of my brothers. *Sigh* He actually looks like him. That's really sad. Mark agrees. Said I should tell him that and see if he commits suicide. I said I'd spare myself the guilty trouble.
Then we came home and Lindsay was tired so she went home. Mark decided to go then too. Ugh. After being an hour and a half late! At least he helped with the yard work. Aah. I love him anyway. As usual. And the he bluthered on about me calling him and him calling me so we can see each other again sometime and Lindsay and I were like "WTF is he talking about?" Then I was sad because they both left and here I am (after Sam played clarinet for me a little). We kicked Sam out because of his farting and then Noah made a really mean comment and Sam ran away. I'm done with this now.
Oh, Georgia.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Home At Last
At Harvard and about to leave in a few minutes to go to the airport. Turns out Anthony isn't going with me to the airport because he has some dumbass paper to write for tomorrow. :-( But the visit's been nice. Got him a present (guitar strings) and I'll see Kate in a few hours at the airport!! Anyhow, I'll be home tonight. And then tomorrow I get to see Mark (at least that's the plan) and perform in that talent show at the shul. *Oy* We'll see how that one goes.
Also, of course, I get to see my parents and my brothers which is sort of exciting...
But I already miss my Clarkies so much! Even though I'll be near Kate we won't see each other everyday and that will be so bad and sad. And no James. And No Adam. And no anyone from Clark except for Kate (who will make it almost all better) every now and then. Until a month from now.
So anyway, quick update on things. I finally got Carole King's greatest hits and the Lion King soundtrack! Yay for soulseek/mytunes/etc. I get to Anthony's and check my messages and have a message from Leeba Morse for James of all people about some present people from work left him in the Traina Center. So I tried forwarding the message to him but it said his voicemail box doesn't exist. WTF. So I called him and told him and tried again but it still didn't work, so whatever. I guess I'll tell him about his nonexistence when we talk in a few days.
Mark's being a jerk again as usual and not calling back or anything. So I'm guessing I'm NOT seeing him tomorrow and if I do it'll be for about two seconds. That = Super Pissed Off Tali.
Whatever. Going home. But it's warm here. 40. My favourite. Which means it'll be boiling at home. Eww. Off to the airport I go.
Also, of course, I get to see my parents and my brothers which is sort of exciting...
But I already miss my Clarkies so much! Even though I'll be near Kate we won't see each other everyday and that will be so bad and sad. And no James. And No Adam. And no anyone from Clark except for Kate (who will make it almost all better) every now and then. Until a month from now.
So anyway, quick update on things. I finally got Carole King's greatest hits and the Lion King soundtrack! Yay for soulseek/mytunes/etc. I get to Anthony's and check my messages and have a message from Leeba Morse for James of all people about some present people from work left him in the Traina Center. So I tried forwarding the message to him but it said his voicemail box doesn't exist. WTF. So I called him and told him and tried again but it still didn't work, so whatever. I guess I'll tell him about his nonexistence when we talk in a few days.
Mark's being a jerk again as usual and not calling back or anything. So I'm guessing I'm NOT seeing him tomorrow and if I do it'll be for about two seconds. That = Super Pissed Off Tali.
Whatever. Going home. But it's warm here. 40. My favourite. Which means it'll be boiling at home. Eww. Off to the airport I go.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Finals!
Well, Medieval Lit is overwith. Went pretty well, I think. Now, a brief respite between that test and Hebrew. I hate that bitch.
At least I'm not worried about the test at all. Two hours for her crap. I'm usually done in two minutes. Ok OK. 20. We'll see. I'm expecting it to be somewhat longer than her others, but Kessem said it shouldn't be much longer than the midterm if at all, which means 25-30 minutes. Then to paying the bill of $0.76 for tuition, eating, then hopefully hanging out with Kate and James and possibly Dan D (the first). I suppose I'll trudge up to Hillel to say goodbye to David and check my mail, etc. I actually remembered to sign my payroll thing (after the fact) this morning. Hmmm...Hebrew. I'll be fine. We studied last night for a while and then gave up because we knew everything.
So Jason R from home made me cry about some stuff because I avoid the important things in my life and it's about time I faced them, like he said (which is why I cried). So I told James I was unhappy and he came over and spent all day with me. I love that kid. Then we went over to the UC to meet Kate and Adam and Dan and Chelsea and a girl named Jessica I've never met before and another kid named Alex. That was fun. Dan bit my knee. But that's Dan. Craziness but I love it. :-D
I love it here. I'll miss them SO much. I can't wait to get back already even though I haven't even left. Of course, I'm terribly excited about going home. That'll be nice. A rest. Seeing Mark and Lindsay and Jason. And maybe a few other people like Emma and Fuzzz possibly. And making an appearance at Pope to say hello to teachers and get my transcript for Kelly to design her course for the homeschool students. And then to editing my book! Hopefully, I'll be sending it off to agents sometime over break, so it'll be some intensive editing, etc. *Sigh*
Talent show on Saturday night. Pray my voice is around. I'm singing "If You'd Be" definitely and something else. People have recommended "Charlie," but I'm kind of sick of Charlie and his desire and watching the leaves turn to fire and all that. Especially since my entire world is white right now, but I like it. So I'll think of something else. Possibly "Jeremy's Song," the new one. Or...who knows? I'll figure it out. Mark's coming. That should be interesting, considering it'll be his first all Jewish experience. Havdalah is first and he'll be just about the only non-Jew there. *Sigh* I'm glad it's almost over and I'm excited about next semester and getting back into the swing of things. Clark is the best ever. At least for me.
At least I'm not worried about the test at all. Two hours for her crap. I'm usually done in two minutes. Ok OK. 20. We'll see. I'm expecting it to be somewhat longer than her others, but Kessem said it shouldn't be much longer than the midterm if at all, which means 25-30 minutes. Then to paying the bill of $0.76 for tuition, eating, then hopefully hanging out with Kate and James and possibly Dan D (the first). I suppose I'll trudge up to Hillel to say goodbye to David and check my mail, etc. I actually remembered to sign my payroll thing (after the fact) this morning. Hmmm...Hebrew. I'll be fine. We studied last night for a while and then gave up because we knew everything.
So Jason R from home made me cry about some stuff because I avoid the important things in my life and it's about time I faced them, like he said (which is why I cried). So I told James I was unhappy and he came over and spent all day with me. I love that kid. Then we went over to the UC to meet Kate and Adam and Dan and Chelsea and a girl named Jessica I've never met before and another kid named Alex. That was fun. Dan bit my knee. But that's Dan. Craziness but I love it. :-D
I love it here. I'll miss them SO much. I can't wait to get back already even though I haven't even left. Of course, I'm terribly excited about going home. That'll be nice. A rest. Seeing Mark and Lindsay and Jason. And maybe a few other people like Emma and Fuzzz possibly. And making an appearance at Pope to say hello to teachers and get my transcript for Kelly to design her course for the homeschool students. And then to editing my book! Hopefully, I'll be sending it off to agents sometime over break, so it'll be some intensive editing, etc. *Sigh*
Talent show on Saturday night. Pray my voice is around. I'm singing "If You'd Be" definitely and something else. People have recommended "Charlie," but I'm kind of sick of Charlie and his desire and watching the leaves turn to fire and all that. Especially since my entire world is white right now, but I like it. So I'll think of something else. Possibly "Jeremy's Song," the new one. Or...who knows? I'll figure it out. Mark's coming. That should be interesting, considering it'll be his first all Jewish experience. Havdalah is first and he'll be just about the only non-Jew there. *Sigh* I'm glad it's almost over and I'm excited about next semester and getting back into the swing of things. Clark is the best ever. At least for me.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
One Week To Go
I decided to sleep in today. Yesterday, I finished my paper for speculative fiction and ended up not doing the rewrite and am not going to, so I'll just have to live with a B. Fine. I'm in the library now, after just having done my research for the Medieval Lit paper which I'm actually pretty excited about but I know I'll hate it in the end, too, because you get sick of words after awhile, especially if they're reliant on other people's.
Last night I went to the Clark Bars concert and they were great! Afterwards, Kate wanted me to come to the after-party so I went and hid behind a pillow on the couch the whole time. I did keep score for the Scrabble players, though, until it all fell apart because that's what happens at parties. It was also James' birthday so I told him I hoped he had a good one.
In the middle of it all, my notebook broke and I cried. Just separated from the binding. Kat kept saying "oh, it's not a bad omen" and I said I know, I know, but that's not it. They don't understand me here when it comes to my notebooks. They're me. If the pages fall from the binding it's my soul falling from me--at least a piece of it and it hurts. Physically. It physically hurts me, but I'll put the pages back in and mend us.
First thing I did this morning was go out to eat with Jordana and her crazy cousin, her awesome mom and her aunt. That was interesting. The cousin is 13 and crazier than Jordana. Don't ask. I did some shopping then, too, in the form of books. And Anthony Esolen's translation of Purgatory finally came out! So I bought it. I'm reading the Inferno again so it's perfect and I've been waiting for him to finish that up for two years. Now, I suppose, he's working on Paradiso.
Next, I went to the Traina Center and checked out the art show which was pretty good. Jordana's piece was surprisingly really good, too. Then, I called Kate from there to see what she was up to and she happened to be there, too, only in the theater part at a recital. So I saw Adam perform and a few reallyl good other people and the classical music was great. I was actually really in the mood for that kind of stuff.
Then I hauled over to Josh's with my computer to get it fixed up before break, so he has it and my iPod (where everything's being stored) until tomorrow. I guess I'll call Kate after I leave here (I came to the library for the research from Josh's) and see what's up. I might go to that dance show but I really want to watch that movie, so maybe I'll call Kat and James instead because we were supposed to watch it yesterday and never did.
Mark called while I was in the concert, so I called him back from Josh's and as usual told me he had to go and hang up on me again so I told him that he's a huge asshole, which worked because it kept him on the phone for another ten minutes or so. "You know we miss each other equally as much," he said when I told him "You just don't care. I'm not seeing you next week. You'll just have to wait until the summer." And he said "Yeah. We'll see how that one goes..."
Ugh. I can't stand that.
So I'm off. It's sweltering in here. And I want to get back outside to that awesom 35 degree weather after a foot of snow yesterday. *I love the cold* (minus the snow).
Last night I went to the Clark Bars concert and they were great! Afterwards, Kate wanted me to come to the after-party so I went and hid behind a pillow on the couch the whole time. I did keep score for the Scrabble players, though, until it all fell apart because that's what happens at parties. It was also James' birthday so I told him I hoped he had a good one.
In the middle of it all, my notebook broke and I cried. Just separated from the binding. Kat kept saying "oh, it's not a bad omen" and I said I know, I know, but that's not it. They don't understand me here when it comes to my notebooks. They're me. If the pages fall from the binding it's my soul falling from me--at least a piece of it and it hurts. Physically. It physically hurts me, but I'll put the pages back in and mend us.
First thing I did this morning was go out to eat with Jordana and her crazy cousin, her awesome mom and her aunt. That was interesting. The cousin is 13 and crazier than Jordana. Don't ask. I did some shopping then, too, in the form of books. And Anthony Esolen's translation of Purgatory finally came out! So I bought it. I'm reading the Inferno again so it's perfect and I've been waiting for him to finish that up for two years. Now, I suppose, he's working on Paradiso.
Next, I went to the Traina Center and checked out the art show which was pretty good. Jordana's piece was surprisingly really good, too. Then, I called Kate from there to see what she was up to and she happened to be there, too, only in the theater part at a recital. So I saw Adam perform and a few reallyl good other people and the classical music was great. I was actually really in the mood for that kind of stuff.
Then I hauled over to Josh's with my computer to get it fixed up before break, so he has it and my iPod (where everything's being stored) until tomorrow. I guess I'll call Kate after I leave here (I came to the library for the research from Josh's) and see what's up. I might go to that dance show but I really want to watch that movie, so maybe I'll call Kat and James instead because we were supposed to watch it yesterday and never did.
Mark called while I was in the concert, so I called him back from Josh's and as usual told me he had to go and hang up on me again so I told him that he's a huge asshole, which worked because it kept him on the phone for another ten minutes or so. "You know we miss each other equally as much," he said when I told him "You just don't care. I'm not seeing you next week. You'll just have to wait until the summer." And he said "Yeah. We'll see how that one goes..."
Ugh. I can't stand that.
So I'm off. It's sweltering in here. And I want to get back outside to that awesom 35 degree weather after a foot of snow yesterday. *I love the cold* (minus the snow).
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Dinner
So I had Kate and James over for dinner again. What. A. Night. I love them. I seriously (and Kate and Dad both agree) have never laughed harder in my life. Dad says he's never heard me laugh harder the entire time I've been alive. We were going over that idiotic story (that I happen to be writing a 10 page paper on), "The Brains of Rats," which isn't so idiotic unless you get the three of us together to make fun of us. Anyhow, the point is, Katrin is the woman pope who squats down randomly in the middle of a papal procession and gives birth. WTF. And then there's this diabetic sixty-two year old with penis implants. I LOVE my science fiction reading material!!!!!
Then it took us twelve hours to open a jar of vinegar. In the end, we ended up poking a hole in the side so we could use it for our Israeli salad that I'll hopefully remember to take to class tomorrow and then transferring the vinegar to the empty snapple jar after cutting the lid off with a knife.
I love Kate and James.
Then I called Mark and he talked to me and James and told me he'd call tomorrow. Yeah right. I'll faint if that one happens.
Then I called Dad to say happy birthday again and he joined in on our partying by being put on speaker phone and he talked to Kate and James and we read Katrin to him. LMAO. My dad is amazing. He joined FACEBOOK! And all the groupies are friending him. Isn't that HILARIOUS!?!?
On a different note, I'm still working on the paper, which is actually about 3/4 done now. Yay! Earlier, when I went to sit down and start it, I turned on my computer only to be greeted by a nice fat worm. So I had to charge down to ITS, make an appointment for 2:00 (the earliest time available and this was 11:30). SO in the 2.5 hours I spent waiting, I wrote about four pages of my paper which was seriously the most productive I've ever been in my entire life. Then this cool kid Cory fixed my computer after an hour. Then I went to visit Jon who wasn't there so I hung out with James for awhile. James is awesome. Can I say that again? Yes. James is awesome.
Then off to Hebrew. Joyous. Oh...speaking of which, I should staple my HW.
Hebrew meant Kate, so we went to PriceChopper with Adam (her boyfriend) and got stranded by that stupid ass escort van. While we were waiting Kate suggested we invite James and that brings us back to the beginning of my story and since I'm done here, I'm going back to my paper!
Then it took us twelve hours to open a jar of vinegar. In the end, we ended up poking a hole in the side so we could use it for our Israeli salad that I'll hopefully remember to take to class tomorrow and then transferring the vinegar to the empty snapple jar after cutting the lid off with a knife.
I love Kate and James.
Then I called Mark and he talked to me and James and told me he'd call tomorrow. Yeah right. I'll faint if that one happens.
Then I called Dad to say happy birthday again and he joined in on our partying by being put on speaker phone and he talked to Kate and James and we read Katrin to him. LMAO. My dad is amazing. He joined FACEBOOK! And all the groupies are friending him. Isn't that HILARIOUS!?!?
On a different note, I'm still working on the paper, which is actually about 3/4 done now. Yay! Earlier, when I went to sit down and start it, I turned on my computer only to be greeted by a nice fat worm. So I had to charge down to ITS, make an appointment for 2:00 (the earliest time available and this was 11:30). SO in the 2.5 hours I spent waiting, I wrote about four pages of my paper which was seriously the most productive I've ever been in my entire life. Then this cool kid Cory fixed my computer after an hour. Then I went to visit Jon who wasn't there so I hung out with James for awhile. James is awesome. Can I say that again? Yes. James is awesome.
Then off to Hebrew. Joyous. Oh...speaking of which, I should staple my HW.
Hebrew meant Kate, so we went to PriceChopper with Adam (her boyfriend) and got stranded by that stupid ass escort van. While we were waiting Kate suggested we invite James and that brings us back to the beginning of my story and since I'm done here, I'm going back to my paper!
Friday, December 02, 2005
In Answer to My Commentor
How does one convince himself that something doesn't have hope of reality? He doesn't. He already knows it deep, deep down. That's why they go insane. Like Sibyl Freid. Like Tali Sachs. We all go insane. And even though we sometimes appear to have let go, we're really still chasing that wind in the back of our minds. Saying "If only if only if only..."
I guess convincing isn't what we really need to move on, to "let go," if that's what you want to call it. What we really need to realize that there are more choices than one that could and will make us happy in life. That's what the Parallels are all about. The different choices. There are always going to be at least TWO choices, and most likely choices infinitum. Of course we can't imagine all of them. We're lucky if we can imagine a handful. But they're there.
And an answer? No one knows the answers. So instead of answers, we search within ourselves and create more wind, but we know it's imaginary, and if we're lucky, we won't be overtaken by those countless worlds residing in our minds. The different and the same. I live them everyday and so do you. Tweak one little thing and the whole world's different, but it probably has that extraordinary piece of the usual that makes it all seem so much more worth it. So I imagine. And I live. And sometimes, life surprises me. Because sometimes, believe it or not, reality holds the better dream, a dream that I didn't have the imagination or the breadth to make up myself.
I guess convincing isn't what we really need to move on, to "let go," if that's what you want to call it. What we really need to realize that there are more choices than one that could and will make us happy in life. That's what the Parallels are all about. The different choices. There are always going to be at least TWO choices, and most likely choices infinitum. Of course we can't imagine all of them. We're lucky if we can imagine a handful. But they're there.
And an answer? No one knows the answers. So instead of answers, we search within ourselves and create more wind, but we know it's imaginary, and if we're lucky, we won't be overtaken by those countless worlds residing in our minds. The different and the same. I live them everyday and so do you. Tweak one little thing and the whole world's different, but it probably has that extraordinary piece of the usual that makes it all seem so much more worth it. So I imagine. And I live. And sometimes, life surprises me. Because sometimes, believe it or not, reality holds the better dream, a dream that I didn't have the imagination or the breadth to make up myself.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Life is one of those funny things. Not too long ago, I used to think of ending it. But what would be the point? There's nothing to tell me it would be better. And what really is Oblivion? I look outside and I don't understand the world. I think most people don't understand the world, but we pretend to. That's what we all do. We pretend. We pretend we're people we haven't met, people we aspire to be, people we used to be, people we'll never be. The list goes on and on.
And what is it we're all looking for? We can kick and scream and fight against what we all know it is. Like I kick and scream and fight and deny it. Because when it comes down to it, we're only animals and all we want is each other. Maybe only for a moment, but we want each other. Flesh. Skin on skin, and then maybe a mind to go with it. There's nothing that feels better than a hand holding yours, or an arm around your shoulders, or the icy blue look in the eyes of a friend. I suppose if you're looking in mine, it'll be the muddy brown.
I told someone today that I know why I'm so highstrung, so uptight, so afraid of creating new relationships and making new friends. It's the same reason I'm afraid of everything else. "They all die. Too soon. Whether it's disease or stupidity or bus bombs. They all die. And I lose. Yes, I'm selfish and I lose. And I watch my brothers dying and I watch their sight fade, imagining what it's like for the lights to go out, to never see again one more drop of ink or color or sky or sea or even the grey cement."
He understood. Understands. But I flinch and he's calm and the world turns anyway. So he guides me across the road with a hand lightly on my back and I tell him all of this. Then I look up at the sky and it's cloudy and I can't see anything but the shaded veils of darkness that obstruct my stars and will not rain or snow.
I told another friend to not pursue the wind. "Don't pursue the wind, ___," I said. "And you're about to do again. Don't go after it. You'll lose it and get so caught up in what can never be that you'll miss it all."
"I know," he said. "I just don't understand."
"No one does. Just live life. Not dreams. Unless they have hope of reality."
Dreams and schemes, huh? In the end, we're all looking for love. I hope everyone gets to keep it while I throw mine away. "For the good of the People, I will stamp my own happiness out."
But I've reconciled it.
"Consider now; isn't that the height of folly?/ Who may be a real fool unless he is in love?"-Chaucer.
And what is it we're all looking for? We can kick and scream and fight against what we all know it is. Like I kick and scream and fight and deny it. Because when it comes down to it, we're only animals and all we want is each other. Maybe only for a moment, but we want each other. Flesh. Skin on skin, and then maybe a mind to go with it. There's nothing that feels better than a hand holding yours, or an arm around your shoulders, or the icy blue look in the eyes of a friend. I suppose if you're looking in mine, it'll be the muddy brown.
I told someone today that I know why I'm so highstrung, so uptight, so afraid of creating new relationships and making new friends. It's the same reason I'm afraid of everything else. "They all die. Too soon. Whether it's disease or stupidity or bus bombs. They all die. And I lose. Yes, I'm selfish and I lose. And I watch my brothers dying and I watch their sight fade, imagining what it's like for the lights to go out, to never see again one more drop of ink or color or sky or sea or even the grey cement."
He understood. Understands. But I flinch and he's calm and the world turns anyway. So he guides me across the road with a hand lightly on my back and I tell him all of this. Then I look up at the sky and it's cloudy and I can't see anything but the shaded veils of darkness that obstruct my stars and will not rain or snow.
I told another friend to not pursue the wind. "Don't pursue the wind, ___," I said. "And you're about to do again. Don't go after it. You'll lose it and get so caught up in what can never be that you'll miss it all."
"I know," he said. "I just don't understand."
"No one does. Just live life. Not dreams. Unless they have hope of reality."
Dreams and schemes, huh? In the end, we're all looking for love. I hope everyone gets to keep it while I throw mine away. "For the good of the People, I will stamp my own happiness out."
But I've reconciled it.
"Consider now; isn't that the height of folly?/ Who may be a real fool unless he is in love?"-Chaucer.
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