I'm thinking again. Sometimes I think I do that a little too much and that runs me into hard places, but at least, then, I have something to work for.

When this year is over I'll have time to clear my head. When that happens, I know the next outpouring of words unstoppable will occur. At least I hope so. Right now I have the feeling and it scares me but excites me and you know I love it.

After all this time, I have not one-hundred-percent reconciled myself with the Madness. The feeling is mutual, I suppose, between the Madness and myself. We'll never learn to live without the other because it's air and the lungs won't breathe without it, and the soul won't carry on. So we tolerate and love and hate all in one.

That's the thing about those two opposites. I don't believe one is possible without the other in the true sense of their meanings. You can utterly despise, loath--or like intensely, be infatuated with, love--but you cannot hate and you cannot be in love with something if you don't feel the other just as strongly.

Those two most intense emotions feed off of each other and keep one another in check. And it's proven true, at least for me, that I cannot be in love with something I do not immensely hate at the same moment, and vice versa. It's a question of wu again: the perfect balance. We spend our lives striving to find it and meet it briefly, for a moment, or a fraction of a moment, and then the axis shifts and the scale tilts again. But we're still on the same spectrum, are we not?

So this is Life. I love it and hate it all in one, not wanting it to end, not wanting it to continue. Can you blame me?