Voice From the Past

Sometimes you find a gem from a long time ago and remember who you were and realize that people (especially yourself) never change. Here's something to look after:

November 23, 2001

Dear Avi Marie,

The world is all a gray gloom. I realized that my unhappiness has its roots in the happy past. Dylan is gone; my mother is right, he doesn't care about anything but his own opportunity. He might as well be dead.

Samantha. Who she was, she is the one my heart used to love, the Sam of the past, not the Sam of the present.

So I have let them go. Cut the string, untied the knot, shattered the dream of "could."

Now. There is Now. For the "Now" of the past six years, all the worl dhas killed me, shunned me, burned my heart out with some invisible, corrosive potion. Forget the future. There is now. Forget the past. There is now. Forget the world. There is the dream. Lose myhself to worlds and worlds upon worlds and worlds. Go far across the canyonto the other side of life. Take that one crucial step towards happiness for myself, take it or leave it? Take it:
The advantage is mine, it's
where the friends are, it's
where the light is.
Take it:
Break your father's heart.
Break your mother's heart.
Leave those two small boys crying for you in the dust.

Should I leap at this chance to go away to school and be happy, be with my friends? Should I leap at this chance for Myself and shatter the hearts of the family I want to get away from? All except my father. How could I even dream of leaving him? Perhaps it's the only way.

When all hope is gone. All roads lay before me and I look down on them from the crossroads. One step on one of them obliterates, closes off the others. I know which one I'll choose. The one I've always chosen because it's me.

Happiness is on a lease and that lease just ran out. All the windows to all the worlds call out to me, I'll find you! That one man in all of them, will you ever find me? You're probably shut out forever, never to meet me. I've already met you, but you live in another world, a book, a you haven't met me and never shall.

I know Aldebaran, but he is me, inside me, never to emerge. Perhapd it's true.

There really is just one world that spends its time dreaming of others.

-Tali

I was dreaming of him then. I was dreaming of him for years before then. But I finally had the guts to write it and voice it just once. The second I finally lost all hope, practically, was the second the world finally let go and made the most wanted of wishes and the most sought after of dreams come true. Never doubt it. An answer is always just around the corner.