Preparing

I got my songs in yesterday and now am separating them into their respective albums. For the most part, they sound good. Except "Only in America" and "Red Door Payment" have huge and slight glitches, respecitively. Not a problem. Just remix and burn and test out again. So there are Nine songs on each because I added that most depressing song "Perdition's Dirge" (most depressing title, too, huh?) and then put in the old recording done in the actual studio with the Amazing Chris Kirkendall of "Aisle 10+5."

I've been listening to them all the way through just to make sure for a while now. Hopefully there won't be anything else wrong with any of them. Of course, "Perdition" is playing now, making me remember my Tin Soldier again. I've been thinking of him a lot lately. Dreaming of him. And since I saw "Munich" it's been more intense.

I suppose it gets to me. The fact that I know there will never be peace in Israel. Or anywhere in the world for that matter. There'll always be some shit going on about nothing and everyone will die for nothing like we always do, because with all of our sentiment and good intentions for peace, we really don't want it at all because we're greedy, savage, belligerent animals.

Even though he's dead, I still see him. Whenever I see the soldiers on the news I look for him, like I looked through every face of every soldier when I was in Israel even though I knew he wouldn't be there. Maybe he's just my excuse. The reason I'm so bitter about love or anything to do with it. I finally let myself be caught up in it and then he dies. Blown up for nothing. For some brainwashed terrorists hope of 72 virgins in heaven when there's really nothing at all. For a cause that doesn't really exist.

Golda Meir was definintely right. And with all the 'torture' that goes on on both sides of the line, the difference between the Arabs and the Israelis is simple: one group fights to die and has no respect for life, and one group fights to endure. "We will have peace with the Arabs when they love their children more than they hate [the Jews]." Sadly, she is right. And even more horribly, they'll never love them more. Never. And more innocent children will be sent off to kill themselves and the unsuspecting people around them. More children will die, their last vision that of fire, a hell on earth to send them into nothingness. In that moment, I wonder what they think. "There is no justice. There is no judge."

It's why I worry. Because every time I love someone, in any way, they're stolen from the world and the laughter gone and all I hear is silence. It's why I don't take anything for granted. It's why I hold on when others let go. It's why I hold on until my grasp makes people uncomfortable, but I don't care. There might not be another moment.

So, "Perdition's Dirge." It's really what people thought was heaven. It's for my Tin Soldier who never got to hear it:

Life comes to a seeming dissolution
It opens me to eyes held quite aloft
The time is ripe: follow to Perdition
and my mind, cynical yet always soft.

Now I could blame the world for al its suave
impertenance. And dreams of love and lust.
Perhaps the world's solely an improv:
"Read here! The script!" But only if I must.

You color me pretty I say you will.
Meet me in Hell and then you'll understand.
Another word, you'll find that looks can kill.
Ask "What's Hell?" Meet me in the promised land.

Exactly what is this Perdition's dirge?
The song where you and I and souls diverge.