Decision

It's torture to watch her sobbing like this, partly because I semi-know how it feels, partly because I feel it projected onto myself. I feel the walls go up around my emotion saying "It is not worth all the pain to discover true, human emotion." It is not worth this.

I'm used to loneliness and the walls around it are steadfast. Because happiness is an illusion and I won't believe a lie no matter how much it smacks of and acts in truth.

Thus I am disillusioned. Of course I only speak of friends because that hurts enough as it is--but to open myself up to more than that, that's self-mutilation of a sort. And what? To lose something great, because in the end I'll lose. So yes, I prevent myself from gaining.

I sacrifice momentary happiness for myself, and perhaps for another, to save us from this. In this case, I'm not just watching her lose a lover, but her best friend in the world.

I've already done that thrice and none of them were lovers. Just imagine if one had been...I remember the one that hurt the most; I remember what I did. I doubled over on the floor under the bed, my knees tucked under me, my forehead pressed to the floor rocking, rocking, rocking for hours until I'd cried six years in three hours and destroyed myself back to a ghost.

I never got him back, really, even though he still hangs around.

Then I tried and trusted again--another lie.

So now I run away from the moment.

Do you understand? I can't take this pain anymore, this trickery of bliss for a solitary kiss.

So I run away from the moment so that I'm in control.

It's time to be alone again. I'm sorry. I've learned my lesson too many times and I still tried trusting again. But I won't get back up after this one, so I'm leaving before I fall at all.

I'm sorry. I'm a solitary soul. I content myself with make-believe and it keeps me surviving. But the real is not just real happiness for a second--it's torture, perpetual.

I will stand by the constant, dull throb of loneliness in place of this.

Because I know what I'm in for.

Take your moment back. There's someone beautiful out there for you and you deserve her.

You deserve her.

Can't you see that you deserve that beautiful girl, whoever she happens to be? She's the one who make syou laugh and cry, who gives you sight when you need it and blindness when you need it, who you feel separate from and a part of no matter what--inextricably intertwined.

You deserve her, that one there, that beautiful girl.

But it hurts too much for me, so I run away from the moment. It's too late to let somebody love me, so I turn my face unto the wall and it all comes together.

The angel's there, my loyal companion of fantasy.

I gave it all up tonight listening to her weeping, mourning the end of the best friendship she ever had.

Maybe I would've liked to know the taste of it. But I got the aftertaste beforehand and the virgin sip is never worth the consequence.