Sometimes I wonder where it all went. That's a lie, actually. It's not sometimes. It's always. I always wonder where it all went, why he woke up one day and decided that he wanted something else.

No warning. No anything. A sudden cut.

It was stupid of me because I believed him. And I kept telling myself not to but up until the last fucking day he was telling me not to resist.

"Why force yourself to be alone when you don't have to be?" he said.
"Because it'll end one day and then I'll have to build my walls and my foundation all over again."
"No you won't."
"Why?"
"Because you should get used to it. Somebody will be there. Here. You don't have to stand alone."

So that night I decided that he was right. He was there and I trusted him. Three days later he ran out from under me and I couldn't even catch myself.

Friendship is not the golden possession, after all. No matter how hard I want to believe it. For me it is and that's my tragic flaw. People don't want friends. They want fuckers. And I won't ever be one of those. I don't want to be.

"The body is the vehicle and not the point"- Toni Morrison. But not for most people.

For me, I am the point and you are the point. I happen to have a body and so do you. I ask myself continuously:
"What is it you lost?"
The answer comes back:
"It's just a dream."
I ask myself again:
"What is it you lost?"
The answer comes back again:
"It's everything."

There is nothing here for me. Everything is a lie and all I can do is attempt to survive this maelstrom. But I think most of me wishes I didn't and the slight tapping in my heart right now that reminds me of the timer I'm on makes me wish it all ended sooner. Less than five-and-a-half years to go. According to the records.

And in the end I'll never find it. I'll never find that friend because even if I think I have, like I did, I'll know that not so deep under it, the connection is just an illusion. I just want to know why he wasted his time. Why he continues to lie and tell me that he cares when he doesn't give one fly's shit.

I hope he's happy. And I hope one day that happiness will make him miserable.