I got a message this morning. It said "I'm awful. But I'm alive." Unfortunately, I know what it's like to be there. Being alive but not knowing what it means, and being so curious about life's opposite that you try to answer that question too early.
Also, it came after a prescient moment. I haven't had one this strong in a long time but it was exactly as I saw it. That he was home, that he was messaging me, that he was awful, and that he wanted to sleep merely so that he didn't have to be awake. I wish I could be there with him, but that'll be a long time coming.
I think over and over again hoping that he'll hear my thoughts, "I love you. And life is more precious than you think." But nothing can change your mind other than that one day when it all clicks and you convince yourself. With Jason, I stop myself from missing the boy I used to know because this has always been him and his mind is worthier than any. But if you see the world more clearly than the masses, insanity is what you're labeled and that isolates you, so you see no point. There a few paths. I once took his. Then I decided to live for myself because that's really the only way you can. At least in full.
Life is beautiful. Sure, there's a lot pointlessness but there's a lot of that in everything. People ask "Why are we here?" I used to ask that, too. But that's a pointless question. The point is finding the point. And we probably never will but that's ok. I live for the little things and I smile at the simple things. I let myself get captured in the sky at night and the vision of stars visible, of stars too far away to see, and of stars invisible for the light pollution caused by Man. I let myself get captured by sunrises and sunsets and clouds painted on the sky; in rain; in the patterns running around the cement; in the currents of wind.
I let myself get captured in all the little things that add up to make one sweet, big world.
I wish I could share this with him in a way that would make life beautiful for him, too. I wish I could share it with you, too, whoever you are. We could get lost in sweet dreams together, and maybe it won't be a lie. Maybe my words and my love will be enough for you. Maybe you won't need or want anything else out of me to be satisfied. Maybe you'll be real instead of fantasy or the truth instead of a lie. But I think that's even a longer time coming than seeing Jason.
We're all alone by ourselves but lonely together. But that doesn't make it easier.
1 comment:
Another gorgeous entry.
1. I love "if you see the world more clearly than the masses, insanity is what you're labeled and that isolates you"-- I never thought in quite those terms before about insanity, but that's exactly it. That's why I worry I won't be a great psychologist, because how can you fix a person that may be more Right than "normal" people?
2. Take this to mean as much as you think it means, because it means a great deal: I keep telling you these entries you should keep writing, for some vague reason which is that "i love them." But it's because you are one of the BIG things in life I live for, and this blog is a little and big thing. Being able to read this stuff is like being able to take a walk in a secret garden and pluck violets. Violets die shortly after you pick them, but that moment when you know you've got something Beautiful that's yours, that you've recognized, that you've possessed for a second...that's everything life is distilled. And so as much as delicate flowers in a lonely garden, or starry skies, or waves on an ocean at sunset are what life is for, so is this....for me.
Love,
Lindsay
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