There comes a point when the loneliness gets unbearable, so you'd do anything, like hurl yourself against a wall to feel something on your skin. There comes a point when words don't make it, when imagination doesn't make it, when you're waiting and waiting and nothing comes, so you turn to yourself instead.
I hate it when people make promises because promises are always broken--eventually. Lately I've found myself looking in the mirror and questioning who's looking back. Here, the silence is full. Sometimes I imagine the world hearing it along with me but I know I'm the only one.
Why? I know you're asking that already.
Because we make our own silence. I make my own silence. I'll admit to that. But the cacophony on the other end drives me mad because I can't hear and think while it's going and in the din I hear more silence than I do without it. So I try making music. I try shouting. But the music doesn't carry far and the shouting doesn't last.
What lasts, I think, is the memory of the echo and in a memory, as we know, is always the absence of sound. Sometimes I want that sound so much I trick myself into thinking I actually hear it. But I don't hear anything. It's similar to how the world has never heard me.
It's pitiful, this life. She's pitiful, this little girl. She talks to walls and listens so hard she actually thinks they answer back, but underneath it all, she knows she's only answering herself.
Do you think you can help me make a memory of something magical, where 'magic' entails nothing but inklings made real? These are small ideas, small thoughts that really only involve assurance that I'm not the only one dreaming, that I'm not the only one dependent on the perpetuation of my breathing, that the walls I spread myself thin on are not the only things that can hold me back.
I used to think that distance was a wall. Now I know that distance is only what you make of it, that sometimes contact seaparates and sometimes separation joins. I spread myself along the distance, like I spread myself along the walls and I become that distance between myself and everyone else, bridging gulfs and digging empty spaces.
Now I put all this thought down as always in liquid ink so that whoever you are and whoever anyone else is can make what they'd like of it. But that's just what I tell myself. I tell myself people will read to soothe myself into the deception that people actually care about anything to do with this life of mine. I really write it down for myself. Because in here, in me, are the only people who have ever remained constant. And so be it if they're not real; so be it if they're only my own cheap fabrications. But I love them and they hold me instead of walls and they answer instead of silence and they look back at me when I get the guts enough to look in the mirror and actually take in what's being reflected. They're silence made loud and clear for no one but myself; they're compensation for confused and neglected emotions. And I tell myself over and over again that they are enough because it's my defense mechanism and deep down under there, somewhere, I'm in love with life.
But eventually there comes a point when the loneliness gets unbearable, so I do anything, like hurl myself against a wall to feel something on my skin.
1 comment:
I'm really agitated with people's flakiness and general disreguard for commitment. Bridget was late for the second time today and she missed yesterday entirely to say goodbye to a friend. Our boss, Garrett, came over this morning a little cross wanting to know if I knew where she was and when she came in she began going on about how we were ahead of schedule anyway and that she needed to get more important things done and she was volunteering her time to do this so therefore her absences have been justified. I just sat there and said "alright Bridget" because i know that in her mind it truly is justified. This is just who she is.
I wanted to tell her that while she was taking care of important things like her internship paperwork and saying goodbye to a friend she won't see for at least a year, She should NOT have made a commitment to volunteer. When one commits to something, they are vowing to give their time without exception. She committed with the opposite intention. She just did it for the free housing and free food, which annoys me because it is unethical and unfair to the rest of us working here. We have been working 9-5 this whole week working hard, tedious, jobs in the rain or in hot stuff basements and she has been sleeping in, taking trips to vermont and swimming in lakes and checking her email.
I suppose the above wouldn't bother me beyond a small degree of annoyance if her general behavior had been different, but this is the way she has behaved the entire time I've known her. She takes advantage of situations and people and thinks nothing of it because she fancies it is all done good naturedly. She busies herself finding out every party going on, most of which she has no connection to and has not been invited to, and then shows up, eats their food and drinks their liquer and talks about the people there and it just makes me irritated sometimes how she tries to cash in on other people's things. So far she's shown up to all of the clark bars parties, had her fill of alcohol, and then inquired as to what other parties were going on and then she'd leave. She had no business being there in the first place, they were for us in the group and our family or guests WE invited. Who was she to cash in on our celebration when she didn't care one bit about what we were celebrating.
Its disrespectful to everyone involved.
She's late for everything all the time. Whenever someone makes plans with her she always assumes it alright that she's twenty minutes late and its frustrating because other people are counting on her. I've getten a little bitter when i think about how much work the rest of us have done these four days and how it would have been nice if there had been someone to spilt some of the load with. We got it all done, but it wasn't easy and our backs hurt and it would have been nice if she had been there to help ease that a bit.
Ugh. its been a long four days. I've been focusing on other things so as to avoid thinking about it but this morning just brought it all to the surface.
End Rant.
-Kat
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