I called my house last night. Sam answered. Told me he got some super special new leggo thing and that he'll be getting another one soon from our parents. Along with getting two days ISS for telling some little boy who likes him that if he bothers him again he'll "kill him." Instead of being any kind of disciplinarians, our parents go and tell him "Good for you! You should've broken his nose. You do that next time." So he's all happy and getting presents. What the fuck happened between raising me and raising them? If I did anything remotely like that I would've been pulverized by them. I let people beat me up all the time, make fun of me, etc etc. And it was always "You're better than them. Don't strike back. Violence is not an answer" blah blah blah. And now it's not just the answer but the recommendation and the praise. I hate them.
I saw Jim McGovern speak on Monday night and I just wondered why we can't get an honest presidential candidate like him. I saw Faraj from Promises speak last night and met him a little in passing because I'm shy when it comes to talking to people like that. Maybe I'll write him an email and get to know him a little better. He says he answers them all and I actually believe him because he's one of the few people who've seemed to say what they mean and mean what they say.
Lately I've been hanging out with Kat a lot and she understands the whole Kate situation and agrees with the slow dissociation plan. James says he disagrees but he stays out of these kinds of things for the most part. He's been hanging out with us, too, a lot and he's really great. On Saturday night he sat with me until after 2 in the morning listening to me cry about all the shit that's been happening lately. I told him to go and that he didn't have to but he said it was fine and listened and talked with me so it was good. Kat says friendship groups shift all the time and I suppose that's what's happening. In life, there are only a very, very small number of people who I truly wish to hold on to--in other words, to not shift away from.
So for now, I suppose, I'll feel my way in and out of this maze and "now" is going to last a long, long time. I will be contented with what I've always had to be contented by and that is really more than enough: hands and eyes and voices and smiles and cries who care a little bit more than not at all. And sometimes I'll get an extra something to content me like a kiss from someone being proud of some little feat of mine, or a whisper, or a handshake, or just a minute of time.
It's really that simple: just a minute of time.
1 comment:
It's amazing really how all of a sudden i see all these connections everywhere. It happens every so often.
Today I was reading another thing on Oscar Wilde, and then I saw some artist who did drawings for his plays, and he was a Decadent which made me look up his stuff, etc etc until i was led to Petronius's Satyricon which I had read about in Au Reboirs which was written by Huysmans related to Wilde, and it's more complicated but basically i saw this quote and thought of...well, obv i thought of you;
"For with my own eyes I saw the Sibyl hanging in a jar at Cumae, and when the boys said to her, 'Sibyl, what do you want?' she replied, 'I want to die.'"
Isn't that beautiful? Darkly beautiful..
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