Within or Without?

Within me or without? Where is it that the power lies? I know where it is unleashed. I can control it now, but the Madness still lingers. Still, I wonder of what I am capable. I know it is not of being loved. But somehow nothing matters anymore and I'm somewhat content. Too selfish, I think. I'm too selfish for wanting to be someone's world.

Nevermind it. I must find a new genre, a new subject. But I look and I can't see the world for the imagined in my head. Oftentimes I wonder, is there really a distinction? Is there a pattern, a gem embedded in a mind, and if there is--or if there was--have I spent it all too soon?

Now I must never want, for I have everything and I promised I would never want again. Besides that, though, I'm human, in-and-out, evil and beneficent, significant to the dance and insignificant to the pattern because anyone could take my place and no one would miss me. Right? I really want to live. I really, really want to live but my heart is dying and every day it gets harder to breathe.

The world says I have not yet lived and I want to see it all, to mend it, to do more than write and shout out empty words. It's pitiful how short time is when measured against the abundance of eternity. It's pitiful. And this time, this life--I fear that I have wasted it. I have not loved enough; I have not executed dreams; I have not laughed enough, or cried enough, or been stabbed enough by Life's cruel tongue and sword. I have not danced enough, seized chances, made chances. I have not wandered on foot or by air or by wheel or by water. All of these I have not done. And there is so much more.

Before it happens, I want to write my wishes down. They're simple wishes. Life is simple. We complicate it with triviality and then we let it go. I want to see my parents happy, my brothers healthy, my best friend find himself, my other find her place. I want to see my friends go on and know the value of joy against measures of pain. I want to see humanity give me reason for the continuation of hope. I want to see that hope realized in at least one small way.

But if I don't make it there, and I fear I won't, there is only one true wish: that I see the future brightly for all who surpass me in time, for all who outlive me.

Mortality has always been very real for me. I don't take this gift for granted. I never did. I never could. But it makes me happy to watch the masses of people who can, and do everyday. And it makes me cry when the illusion is ripped from their eyes, their souls shreaded, their hearts torn, by the cruel robbery of someone precious from their illusion.

I love to watch the children dance and play. It reminds me of the brief moments--and the moment that will come once more--when we will all be gods again.